Faith and Trust

Quick notice.....My mojo is missing.  If anyone finds it, please return it to me.  I haven't been working out.  The heel spur has me not wanting to do anything.  I'm trying to make myself hop on the bike with the kids whenever it's nice out and if I can drag myself to the gym, I get in a weight-training workout.  But it's not as often as I'd like and it's really starting to bug me.  I need to find some way around the damn heel spur so I can get back into the groove!

Okay, I have a huge favor to ask of those of you who choose to read this.  Read it with a completely open mind.  I'm not sure I'm going to be able to do the topic justice or manage to get my thoughts on things down exactly as I want them to come across.  But, I'm hoping I can convey things in a way that won't offend and just may have the ability to inspire!

Faith is a life-long journey.  Mine has already been a very long one.  I have some ideas about Faith and God that others don't hold.  I know not everyone is a believer and to be honest, it doesn't bother me much when someone tells me they don't believe.  Unless I truly care for that person and then, I have to admit, I really wish I could convince them to see things the way that I do.  Not because I worry that they'll end up in Hell if they don't believe, but more so because I know the comfort and security that belief can bring.  You see, I was once an ATHEIST.  I put that in caps for a reason.  I would have sworn up and down that there is no way God could possibly exist.  I looked at the world we lived in and I saw all the bad, horrendous things that happen and all the bad things that had happened in my life and I thought....if there was a God, why would he let any of these things happen?  Sound familiar to anyone?  Or how about this one....I'll believe in God if he gives me a reason to believe in Him (AKA: send me a miracle so that I know You are there).  I demanded proof of his existence and didn't believe for a second that He truly was real.

I'm not sure where things changed for me or exactly why.  Somewhere along the way, I stopped demanding proof and decided to just BELIEVE.  I stopped focusing on the "why would He allow these things to happen" things and started looking at the good things.  I met my husband and as I looked at him and got to know him, the belief that a person that good and wonderful existed in this world and that this amazing person was handcrafted by a greater being took root.  And then our babies were born and the idea that these small beings were meant just for me, were gifts to me for some purpose beyond just loving and raising to go out in the world took root.

So....here are some of my understandings of God and just what he is and what he's done......

God is Creator.  He made our world.  He's an artist who handcrafts each and every soul.  I do not believe that God punishes with infertility or rewards with children.  I think that's all on us.  As He made our world and each person, He made the decision to give us free-will.  The world is a gift and it's ours to do with as we will.  We destroy it with toxins and ill-will or we enrich it with care for the earth and its people.  Our choice.  But I do believe that each and every person was made by a loving hand, was given talents and abilities that could either be used for good or evil.  And regardless of what we choose, God as our creator/parent, loves us as we do our children.

Free-will means that we make the choices in our world.  I do believe that God has the ability to intercede.  But since we have free-will, it's up to us to ask Him to play a part in our lives.  We can go through life completely on our own or we can ask Him to walk through it with us, protecting us and guiding us down the right path.  This is why bad things happen in our world.  Not because God "allows" them, but because he wasn't asked to play a part.  Bad things may still happen because not everyone asks for God to be with them and to have a hand in their lives.  But the peace that comes from knowing that He is holding your hand and walking through this with you is incredible!

Belief in God requires trust.  I still don't understand everything that happens.  I don't get why some truly wonderful, amazing people have bad things happen to them.  I don't understand why someone who does something horrible to others isn't punished in a divine way.  But I TRUST.  I trust that God will help us through, if we just ask Him to.  I trust that good can come from bad.  I trust that no matter what things we've done, we are all still loved by Him.  For all intents and purposes, God is the Perfect Parent.  He interferes only when asked, He lends a hand when needed, and His love is completely unconditional.  That is an incredible gift!

Okay, I'll get down off my pulpit now.  I don't mean to preach and I'm not quite sure what my purpose in writing this is.  I just felt compelled to share my understandings and beliefs.  Now I'm going to go back to searching high and low for my missing mojo......

Cowgirl Breakdown

"I'm a cowgirl, baby"  Come on, sing it with me.  You know you want to.  I wish I could say this attitude and singing thing is inspired by great stuff.  It's not.  It's more of a "laugh so you don't cry" kind of thing.  So, I have two doctors who think I'm crazy.  I think someone might have snuck a "hypochondriac" label into my medical charts.  But, one doctor didn't even read my medical charts, I'm pretty sure....maybe the label is some huge, neon-orange sticker at the front.  One of these doctors is the one who I discussed the possibility of my adrenal issues being because of PCOS (poly-cystic ovarian syndrome).  According to her, I don't have any of the symptoms of the disease.  Never mind that Shark Weeks are always five weeks apart or the cysts on my ovaries that they've seen by ultrasound or the fibrous breast tissue.  I don't have it.  Onto the second doctor...who thinks my foot pain is all in my head.  She suggested I wear heel cups in my shoes to help with the pain and ice it or soothe it with a heat pack, whichever my little mind decides feels better.  That was her stance until she saw the x-ray, anyway.  Turns out my body has decided to mutate and turn me into a real, live cowgirl.  I've grown a spur.  On my heel.  Sounds kind of cool, right?  Unfortunately, it's incredibly painful.  Here I've been thinking it was just a bit of tendinitis or something.  Nope, my bone has sprouted a spur.  Fun stuff!  I'm trying hard to not let it hold me back.  I've added in yoga, thinking it would be a gentle exercise.  It would probably be, if it didn't irritate the spur and inflame it more.  But, I power through.  I do the elliptical for about 35 minutes.  At some point, that damn spur starts to send me signals.  I choose to drown them out with a steady stream of swear words in my head.  It works for a bit anyway.  That "Cowgirl Breakdown" thingy....that was me the other night, throwing a pity party for myself, crying over all the obstacles that keep being thrown in my path.  I didn't let it last long though.  I decided I just need to change course a bit....

So, what am I doing?  Well, I've been adding in a ton of veggies.  Cutting out the majority of processed carbs that I eat.  Adding in weight-lifting/strength-training exercises.  Eating  ton of salads.  In fact, I've been doing a whole lot of experimenting.  I've started buying mixed spring greens.  It's the basis for most of my meals now.  And then I throw stuff on top of it....a handful of grapes, some small chunks of fresh pineapple, small bits of fresh apples, strawberries, a sweet dressing.  Or...if I want something not-so-sweet...tomatoes, peppers, pepitos (high-protein and high-fiber seeds), avocado, and a vinaigrette.  My weight has bounced back up and I was feeling completely defeated.  I was snacking on naughty things and just wasn't putting any effort into it anymore.  Now, I'm going all-out.  Trying new stuff.  I've cut beef down to a once-a-week thing.  We're using ground turkey instead of ground beef.  I'm cooking with raw chicken, which I just really can't stand, but I'm sucking it up and doing it anyway.  If I happen to go out to eat, I'm making smarter choices....like salads from Chipotle instead of all the amazingly yummy rice.  The salads are pretty fantastic too though!  I'm determined to keep going and making smarter choices.  I've got to keep doing this and keep making those changes that help me improve my health, even if they do suck to make!

Okay, off to go check Lily.  If anyone cares to read...you have no idea how much the comments mean to me!  I could really use a bit of support with this and I need to get back to supporting others in the DOC.  I think it just might be the glue that keeps me together some days!

I'm still here.....

I promise I'm still here and all is good.  Or as good as it can be.  The adorable new kitty went crazy one morning and knocked my coffee mug over....all over the laptop.  This is the second time it's been hit with coffee.  It survived the first, but apparently the second was just too much for it.  So, no laptop means I'm not posting much.  I'm not on the computer much.  I'm busy making up stuff for Reyna and Tara to raffle off for their wonderful Virtual 5K (you can check it out HERE).  I've got a couple of fashionable spring/summer hats done up for them and a gorgeous scarf and I'm thinking of whipping up a few kids' items too.  I love doing stuff like this!

On the fitness front...I've learned some new stuff!  The gym we go to offers a CardioPoint assessment.  Basically, you wear a mask that measures how much CO2 your body puts out while you put your heart through a series of increases in rate.  It's to tell you what your optimal heart rate is for burning fat instead of glucose.  I signed up for it and made it through the brutal assessment.  Turns out I was working out way too hard to burn fat!  The wonderful trainer who worked with me on the assessment has given me a number of different workouts to do to help my body burn fat better.  She also gave me some key points of information....number one being that if you do more than 40 minutes of cardio at a time, your body starts sending out cortisol!  That's obviously not a good thing if you're wanting to lose belly fat.  So, now I'm back to working out at a lesser degree, adding in yoga in the morning and evening and doing my cardio in the afternoon.  I just started all this and I'm giving it a month before I bother with checking the scale to see if anything is changing (or more likely, the measuring tape).  I'm doing a bit of strength-training before the cardio to keep up my muscle tone too!

Okay, beasties are running wild and we need to head to the gym soon.  I'll have to get the camera set up on the desktop so I can post some pictures of my creations (living and otherwise) next time I post!

Blah! Getting back at it

I did it again.  I signed up for the 90-day weight loss challenge at Lifetime.  I'm determined to do it right this time and actually make some progress.  The lab tests from the doctor are all coming back normal with the only exception being my phenomenally elevated progesterone levels.  So I've ordered an herbal supplement that is supposed to help balance my hormones.  We'll see how that goes.  And, in an effort to make the most of the next 90-days, I've also signed up for a CardioPoint assessment.  Basically, I get to wear a mask for about an hour while I go through several levels of increasing my heart rate and at the end, I should know how hard I need to work in order to burn fat the most effectively.  I really hope this helps!  I've been to the gym twice in the last three days and have reverted back to using the elliptical.  I tried just doing walking.  I didn't like it.  I hate the treadmill!

Other than that, life is getting busy.  We have fundraising to do for Lily's preschool.  A Kinder Koncert field trip in a couple of weeks with the same preschool.  We're working on trying to open-enroll Lily into the same school district that most of her current classmates will be going to.  She attended her first birthday party for a friend this last weekend.  Oh, what a roller coaster!  It just had to be at an indoor inflatables park.  We're doing massive carb-boosting to combat a raging growth-spurt.  Lots of temporary basals to keep her safe at school and in child care at the gym.  It's amazing the hoops this disease makes us jump through sometimes!  And yet we all just keep plugging along.  We manage and we keep on going.  And just so you can all see how much they're growing, a pic of my gorgeous little beasties:

Oh, I love those little faces!

Back to Basics

Well, my doctor appointment has come and gone.  It's left more confusion.  All my test results are now coming back in normal ranges, which is a great thing.  But it means we have no clue what was going on or why.  I'm still semi-convinced that I was overtraining and that's what was causing a lot of my issues.  I've had just over two weeks off from working out at the gym and finally went back today.  I've made a decision: I'm going back to my roots for the next 30 days.  I'm laying off the elliptical, because I know I have a tendency to over-challenge myself once I hop onto them.  I'm still going do strength-training, but just enough to maintain the muscle that I've added, with no weight increases for the next month.  And for cardio.....I'm hopping on the much-hated treadmill.  Today, I started with walking just over two miles.  I've found that I can manage to easily do 2.8 mph and still read a book!  So *BONUS* I'm getting some reading done too!  Right now, I'm in the first few chapters of The Jesus Mission, which is a book that is supposed to help you develop a more intimate relationship with God.  I'm hoping it will help restore my sense of purpose in life while also helping me learn to not worry as much (aka...put my trust in God).  I also have Ginger Viera's Your Diabetes Science Experiment on hand to read next.  And about 40 or so other books that I've picked up in the last few years and just haven't gotten around to reading.  I'm hoping to make it through at least 4 books by the time I'm done with walking and ready to challenge myself again.  It's nice to have a plan again!

We're asking the wrong question....

When I fall into a funk, I avoid my blog.  It's what I do.  I want to be alone with my misery and not spread it around to others.  But, in the midst of my funks, I often have ideas that rattle around in my head, waiting for me to take action on them.  This latest one I've been dwelling on.  It keeps popping up and no matter how much I try to push it back down, it stays there, just beneath the surface, calling to me and telling me that I need to write this.  Before I start, I want it to be clear that I understand that not everyone believes the same things I do.  Not everyone has the same faith or the same ideas.  And I'll never judge another for not having my faith or my ideas.  That's not how we were created and it's not what we're meant to do.

So, here it is....we ask the wrong question.  When our children are diagnosed, when theire blood sugars are off, when we're feeling overwhelmed and like this life is just too much for us, we ask the question "why".  Why did God allow this to happen, why did it happen to us, why my child, why, why, why, why.  It's always there, the question of why things are what they are.  And we keep on asking it, no matter how many times we're denied the answer.  And it finally occurred to me that there is no answer to that question.  The lack of an answer leads some to question the existence of God.  They lose faith and give up and turn away because they don't understand why He would allow this to happen to them.  But, the reality is, God can't control everything in our lives.  Oh, he has the ability to do it, I'm sure.  But, when we were created, we were given free will, the ability to direct our own lives, the ability to choose.  And because of that, God can't step in and control us like we're a bunch of paper dolls.  And really, we wouldn't want him to.  Still, we ask why he would allow things to happen and why he doesn't fix them for us.  Humans are complex.  Not all of them are good.  We, as a society, are not content to stand still.  We strive for progress.  To make things "easier".  To make things more technological, to make advancements, to make more money, to own more "stuff".  We're constantly pushing.  Our world is God's gift to us and it's our choice to use it as we will.  I'm getting off track here, but it's our choice to destroy our world or to do good for it and save it.

Here's where my thoughts have been leading me....the question of "why" is the wrong one to ask.  Instead, we should be asking ourselves what we can do with what we're given.  How can we turn the negatives in our lives into motivation for more good.  When our children are diagnosed, instead of wallowing in the "why", we should be moving on to look at how we can reach out and make that road easier for the person to travel it behind us.  When bad things happen, there is always an opportunity for good.  We can draw into ourselves and rage against the fact that there's no answer to "why" or we can ask God to hold our hands and show us a new path through life, a path that offers us an opportunity to do something for others, to make our world a better place, to learn a lesson from what we're going through.  There are so many new opportunities that open up when we stop asking "why" and start asking "what now"!

Enough lecturing for the night!  I have pictures to share!

They actually do love each other!

Leo turned 3!  I so wasn't ready for that!

Peek-a-boo!

Lily hates wearing these hats, but she's so cute in them!

I'm thinking of selling them in my Etsy store....2 for $25 and including a couple of barrettes, maybe?

Blue Circle Cowl....considering making these for sale too.  Maybe something to match all those Blue Heels out there now.....

One of the first gifts I just sent out for the nominations project.  It was well-received by a very deserving recipient!

Baby giraffe hat, combining knitting and crochet!

Infinity cowl

And something for the boys....Newsboy Cap.

Just a quick update on those nominations....I sent out a couple of gifts already to a couple of my favorite DOC moms, Meri of Our Diabetic Life and Laura of Houston, We Have a Problem.  I have a couple more in the works and there are two more I mailed out on Saturday but I don't want to mention now since they have yet to receive them.  I'm absolutely loving making things for people that I have in mind when I start!  It makes the creating that much more meaningful for me and that much more fun as well.  I didn't think of it this way when I started it, but I'm hoping this is how it's received....it's like I'm sending hugs out in the mail!  I hope each person who receives something from me feels the same warm fuzzy feeling I do in the making at that moment when they open their package!  I love, love, love doing this!

Well, that was a flop!

I received a grand total of not-a-single-one nominations! It makes me sad :(. But...I'm moving on. I figure, maybe my idea wasn't developed enough or maybe I didn't make it clear enough. You see, the idea comes from this....I've gotten so much from so many in the DOC. Encouragement, support, laughter, comic relief...the list goes on and on. And because I've gotten so much, I want to give something too. I know there are some whose spirits are drooping. I know there are some who feel over-whelmed. I know there are some who have a whole lot more on their plates than some of the rest of us do. Every single person in the DOC deserves some pampering. Unfortunately, my needles and hooks don't fly quick enough to make something for everyone. But, I have a huge stash of lovely yarn and I have a couple of hours each day that I can devote to working on something special. And it's easy enough to stop by the post office and mail that something special off to someone special. So, I'm going on. I've got a few people in mind that I really want to give something back to, people who deserve it or who I want to encourage as they've encouraged me or uplifted me in some way. I've got a few pieces I'm working on and hoping to finish up quickly so I can send them off. But I don't want to close the door for nominations either. So, if you notice that someone's spirit is hurting or that someone is in need of a little something special, or if someone has done something that really meant something to you, there's always the option of sending me a nomination. It's at my discretion whether or not I'll fill each nomination, but I'm definitely going to try to fill as many as I can of whatever ones you send my way!