Sunday, August 28, 2011

Sunday Snapshot: Missing!

I've misplaced my camera.  Which is actually okay since my "snapshot" would not show a whole lot for this week.  This cold is kicking my butt!  I've been completely drained of energy all week.  I did manage to make it in to the gym on Wendesday, Thursday, and Friday.  Wednesday, I did lower-body strength-training and I upped all of my weights just a tad.  I skipped the cardio that I usually do afterwards.  Thursday was upper-body strength-training and again, another skipped cardio.  Friday, I managed to do my sprint-training.  I've upped the intensity to challenge myself a bit more.  Instead of doing a resting pace for 90 seconds and then the "quick" for 30, I'm doing 60 seconds of "rest" and 30 seconds of quick.  It's tough!  But it is most definitely challenging me.  I'm hoping I can kick this cold and be right back at working hard. 

Tonight, I have a very big confession to make.  This is something that I consider my greatest flaw and it's been weighing on my mind a lot lately.  I am perpetually exhausted.  That's no big news, I know, for other d-moms.  The lack of a full night of sleep for year after year after year drags us down sometimes.  But here's the problem and where my big flaw comes in....I wake up completely drained.  I can't get myself going.  I drink coffee and I turn on the tv (bad mommy!) so that the kids can be entertained by cartoons while they eat breakfast.  And then...I lie down on the couch and doze until they become sick of it and start making me move.  Yup, there's the feeling of shame creeping in.  I'm a lazy mommy in the mornings.  I can't get myself moving.  I hate that I can't just bounce out of bed, ready to face the day, with the energy to tackle it all with my children in tow.  I just can't figure out how to do that!  Even on the nights when I get a good amount of sleep, it still takes me an hour or two to get going.  I don't like rushing in the morning.  I'm lazy.  I need to find a way to force myself to tackle this issue and make some necessary changes.  I feel like I'm not making the most of my time with my children and I'm not being "present" enough in their days, their playtimes.  I want to be a "fun mommy".  I want them to have great memories of what it was like to spend their days with me.  And most of all, I want to fill our days with activities and fun and meaning.  I must do this!  They're worth the effort.  I just need to push my exhaustion and tiredness aside and get myself going.  Maybe I just need to do the same thing with this problem as I did with the lack of exercise and make myself move bright and early for 30 days straight.  It's an idea...who knows, maybe it would work!  Really, these adorable little beasts are worth that amount of effort and more!

*Pictures were already on the computer.  Gotta find that camera!

Friday, August 26, 2011

Tilting the view

First off, I think I need to offer up a big apology to Reyna for posting pictures of half-naked men on her Facebook wall.  I was trying to offer up a little eye-candy, but I think I verged into the annoying.  Sorry!

Every now and then, I find myself in different stages of a cycle.  I'm guessing other d-moms go through this cycle too, with some variation.  You know the one where you see all those things that diabetes has stolen from your child's life, from your family, from you.  The peace-of-mind, the ease and carefree-ness of day-to-day life.  And then, at another point in the cycle, you see all the moments you wouldn't have had if it hadn't been for the entrance of diabetes.  The instantaneous same-connection that you get with other families who deal with diabetes.  For me, I've found myself focusing on those sweet moments that I get.  You know the ones where you sneak into your d-child's room in the middle of the night to poke a tiny finger and squeeze out an itty-bitty drop of blood.  You hope that your child's sleep won't be disturbed, but every now and then, they wake up just enough to whisper, "I love you, mom" as you sneak back out of the room.  Those stolen moments and the stolen kisses and cuddles that I get with Lily are ones that wouldn't have happened if it weren't for diabetes.  It's stolen a great deal from the carefree-ness that could have been, it's made me worry more.  It's made the low points that much lower. also makes those high points, those sweet little moments, glitter like diamonds and twinkle like the brightest stars in the sky.  Those are the moments I live for and for those moments alone, I will accept diabetes into our lives and continue on with a happy heart.

That being said, I have a different kind of thief who has been weighing on my mind lately.  One I'm particularly terrified of because I know that the chances are in its favor for it eventually striking my family.  In fact, it's already struck us twice.  My paternal grandmother and my maternal grandmother.  In 1999, not long before I graduated from our local community college, I visited my paternal grandmother as she lay taking her last breathes.  She'd been in a nursing home for a handful of years.  My Grandma Avis grew up in the Ozarks and as she grew older and Alzheimer's crept into her brain, she reverted back to what she knew growing up.  She started starving herself.  If there was any pepper on her food, she thought it was bugs.  If you gave her a bowl of Rice Krispies, she thought they were maggots.  It was heartbreaking to see.  If you've followed my blog for the last couple of months, you've probably seen the picture of my maternal grandma, Grandma Lilly, just after the Fourth of July.  Grandma Lilly is in a nursing home, unable to walk, unable to talk.  Alzheimer's has stolen her speech and her mobility. 

Last night, as we were getting the kids ready for bed, we happened to see our neighbor's dog, Jackie, racing across our yard.  Jackie is a feisty little white-with-black-spots dog.  She barks a lot, but she's actually really friendly.  Leo adores animals.  So I took him out to help chase Jackie down.  Jackie's owners, Sue and Alan, are elderly.  They've had quite a life.  They have two teenage grand-daughters that they've raised since the girls were small.  Their daughter was the victim of a homicide by her husband.  The girls' father is serving a life-sentence without the possibility of parole.  That's as much as I know of the situation and I don't dare ask for more.  It's extremely painful for them to talk about, for good reason, and honestly, I can't see how knowing anymore details would be of any benefit to me.  The girls, thankfully, are nearly grown.  They've had some rough spots and life has not been easy for them or their grandparents.  As neighbors, we've been friendly with them to an extent, but....not as much as I feel we should have been.  We've known for some time that Alan hasn't been doing well.  He's been forgetful and disoriented.  Yesterday, as we were helping chase the dog down and returning her to Sue, she confided that she's finally had to place Alan in a nursing home.  It was heartbreaking to hear and I feel so inadequate right now even talking about it.  I wish there was something more I could do and I'm searching my mind, trying to find a way to reach out and offer comfort to my neighbor.  As I sat there, watching Leo pet Jackie and listening to Sue's broken voice as she talked about what Alzheimer's has stolen from her.  Her best friend is no longer there.  The person she married, her mate in raising children and grandchildren, in making a home, has been stolen from her. 

I can see the "good" in what diabetes has done to my family, to me and to Lily.  But this is a different kind of thief.  Alzheimer's and what it does can't be twisted into something positive.  It steals and leaves nothing but a shell of a person behind.  It takes a lifetime of memories away.  I can't figure out how to bring something good out of it.  I could bake a cake or cookies, send over a casserole....but it's just not enough.  If anyone has any ideas on how to make something good of this for my neighbor, please let me know what they are.  I'm at a loss and I really would like to do something, anything to help ease some of her pain and grief.  If nothing else, please keep her and her family in your prayers.

Confession for the night.....I HATE the squeeze!  You all know what I'm talking about.  When you poke a finger and squeeze and squeeze, trying to get the blood out.  I hate it!  I would rather be poked fifteen times in each finger than to have one finger squeezed like that.  It hurts!

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Sunday Snapshot: A Bust

My workout journal doesn't look so great for this week:

The journal doesn't tell the whole story though.  On Thursday, we spent 5 hours at Camp Needlepoint, walking around and showing Lily and Leo off to the staff, campers, and horses. 

I didn't write any of it down because only God knows how many calories were burned in those five hours of chasing my little beasties around the camp.  By the time we got back, it was time to feed the kids dinner and I just didn't have any energy left for working out at the gym.  On Friday, I meant to go to the gym before heading up to my sister's for the journey up north.  Unfortunately, we did not have a good night.  Lows for both Lily and me and lots of tossing and turning for Leo.  So I slept in just a bit and then got everything packed for a night away.  I carpooled with one of my sisters and we arrived about an hour before the others.  The room was booked in one of our other sister's names, so we chose to spend about 40 minutes walking around the neighborhood where the hotel was located.  And then that evening, we bounced and bopped and wiggled to the music of Bret Michaels.

He was pretty awesome to see in concert.  One really very totally awesome thing I found out at the concert...Bret changes shirts and bandanas twice during the entire concert.  And then at the end, he auctions off the three t-shirts and three bandanas for charity.  I believe at least part of the money is donated to JDRF, but I'm not 100% on that.  Anyway, after the concert, my sisters threatened to write "BOOB" across the forehead of the first person to fall asleep.  I think it ended up being a draw and we all fell asleep around 1:00 a.m.  And then the snitches all woke up at 7:00 in the morning.  They're worse than my children!  Saturday was a long trip home, during which I came to the realization that my throat wasn't just itching from exposure to cigarrette smoke at the casino.  I have an awful cold.  Lots of coughing and sniffling and a stuffed up nose and a scratchy throat.  So much fun.  I feel like crap, so I didn't work out yesterday or today.  I'm hoping I'll feel up to it tomorrow morning so I can get in before Lily's endo appointment tomorrow.  It's the BIG one....two years after she was diagnosed and the yearly massive blood draw that completely freaks out a child.  And leads to tears for mommy.'s to hoping for better health! 

My confession....I'm a horrible sick person.  Biggest baby ever!  I want to do nothing and let my husband do everything so I can just sleep.  Worst sick person ever!

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Perfect Strangers...and not-so-perfect ones!

I had an awesome encounter with a "perfect stranger" yesterday.  I'd finished up my workout, took the kids swimming for an hour at the gym, and then we decided to head to our favorite store, Bob's Produce Ranch, for brats and fresh corn-on-the-cob for dinner.  We love Bob's!  They're a very small, local store that has the freshest fruit and veggies and a fantastic butcher department.  And lots of locally-grown stuff too!  I'd just finished gathering our groceries and decided to pick up a few peaches while we were there.  I turned to grab a bag for them and noticed an older woman looking at me, kind of like she knew me.  I had no clue who she was and honestly, have never noticed her before.  But, she and her daughter were busy picking out corn and I decided to be friendly and said something about Bob's being the only place we buy our corn anymore.  And then, she said the absolutely most wonderful things to me that I have heard in a very long time!  She explained that she sees me at Lifetime Fitness all the time and she's noticed how I've changed over the months.  She says, "You are my inspiration to keep on going and to keep on working."  I'm tearing up again just remembering it!  I thanked her profusely.  I don't see myself as being all that inspirational, but to read all of your comments and to hear things like this from complete strangers is just a phenomenal thing!  Thank you, thank you, thank you to all of you who comment and keep me going!

Now, on the flip-side...I had a less than positive encounter with a stranger today.  Well, not a complete stranger.  We've never exchanged words before, but you'll remember this individual as the Stork Lady (the one who lifts one leg up, bent at the knee, and rides the elliptical on one pedal while pushing with her arms).  I've noticed over the last couple of weeks that the Stork Lady doesn't like to work out next to me.  I can't really blame her.  When I'm doing the sprint-training sessions, it can be pretty annoying to work out next to me as I burst into the speedy, all-out, I-think-I'm-going-to-die 30-seconds.  I was almost at the end of my sprint-training portion of my workout today when she came up and started setting up on the elliptical next to me.  As she noticed me and started to pack up to move, I thought I'd be nice and let her know that I was nearly done with it.  Yup, I'm rethinking that urge now.  She lit in to an admonition about what I was doing, how it wasn't the best thing for my body, and I should be working out in the same way that she works out (far as I can tell, she does 90 minutes on the same elliptical equipment every day of the week, nothing ever varies).  I cut her short.  I explained that sprint training is something I've discussed with my doctor and it's meant for cardio-fitness.  I stuck my earbud back in and burst into another speed interval.  After my workout, I did stop by her elliptical to apologize "if I came off as being rude" and I briefly explained what the sprinting was meant to do and affirmed that yes, I do know that it can be annoying. 

So, here's the thing....I know that working out next to someone who is using a varying speed can be really annoying.  I know.  I purposely choose an elliptical that is not right next to any other occupied elliptical.  But, it's what I'm choosing to do for my health and my training and if you find it annoying, you can choose a machine somewhere further away from me.  I've obviously become a familiar face to others at the gym.  If you know you don't like working out next to me, why in the world would you choose an elliptical next to mine when there are 8 others open?  But, that doesn't bother me nearly as much as someone trying to discourage me from exercising in the manner in which I choose.  If you make it to the gym and are exercising, the only time anyone should ever criticize your choice of exercise methods is when it puts your life or the life of others in danger.  No one should be discouraged from exercising, no matter how they choose to do it!  And unless you're a certified personal trainer, you're not qualified to tell others how they should work out!  The mean person inside of me is really tempted to delay going into the gym for the next few days so that I can be sure that I arrive later than she does and hop right onto whatever elliptical is right next to hers!  I'm resisting that urge, but I might give in to the one that is telling me to print out an article or two on sprint training and it's benefits to hand to her the next time I see her at the gym.  If any of you want to read up on it, there's a great article on the benefits of sprint training HERE.

Okay, something fun for my confession tonight....I have a serious crush on Vin Diesel!  Incredibly serious crush on him!  I'm guessing he's probably not the nicest person to meet and my crush actually doesn't have much to do with his face, which is just moderately attractive.  It's not even because of his phenomenal physique.  It's the VOICE!  Oh, his voice just sends chills down my spine! that gravelly, rough, manly sound!

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Sunday Snapshot

My ego took a couple of hits last week.  I had my regular A1C check/3-month doctor's visit.  The scale at the doctor's office said 5 lbs more than the scale at home.  I hate that!  Scales are evil.  Seriously, they are!  They have this way of destroying your good feelings about all the work you're doing and making you feel like that work isn't making any difference.  The number on the doctor's scale kept me down for a few hours.  And then I realized doesn't matter what the scales say.  It matters what my body says.  I just have to keep reminding myself of that.  And turn my back on the number screen when they take my weight at the doctor's office!  The other A1C registered in at 9.0.  Ick!  I'm so not happy with that!  And neither is my doctor.  I hate the lectures they give.  Yes, I know all of the risks associated with it.  I also know that having a blood sugar of 36 at 1:00 in the morning is a greater danger to life.  That number kept me down for a couple of days.  And then I realized something else....that number just tells me I have some more work to do and gives me a new direction for health to focus on.  I need to work more on my diet, making sure I'm eating the right things, getting enough protein, and that I'm testing and dosing myself at the right times.  When it all comes down to it, those two numbers are just information to take in.  I choose what to do with them.  I can let them bring me down or I can use them to motivate me into new directions, new efforts.

So, here's something new I want to do.  I'm hoping it'll keep me honest and give me more motivation to keep working hard, keep on moving, keep on going.  Snapshot Sunday.  I have a personal fitness journal that I'm keeping.  I picked the book up from Barnes & Noble.  It was a great bargain.  Less than $6.00!  And it's got enough pages for a full year of journaling.  It's set up well, with a couple pages for entering food.  And two pages for fitness.  One for strength-training and one for cardio.  Each week starts on Monday and ends on Sunday.  Perfect for doing a quick pic of it on Sunday evenings so I can post it for all of you to see.  Not sure exactly what anyone else will get out of it, but knowing that other people will be seeing it might give me some extra oomph to keep on going, to work a little harder and to push myself just that little bit more.  Since this week was a strength-training week (I do every-other-week), I have two photos for you:

There are a few things that I don't put on those lists.  Like running around with the kids.  Today, for example, I took Lily and Leo for a visit to Camp Needlepoint since it was opening day.  I love camp!  It's like going home.  We spent a good 2 hours walking around the camp, running in the main field, showing the kids the cabins and all the places that mommy used to love when she was there.  It was great!  And who knows how many calories were burned.  Who cares?  I was moving and enjoying the day with the kids.  When I take a day off from the gym, I want to just enjoy it.  So, those days that are blank aren't completely "blank".  I just didn't bother with putting the activities down.

One more thing before I go.  I'm going to count this as my "confession" as well.  When I was still a camper at Camp Needlepoint, there was a fellow camper that I always hoped to find in my group each year.  Becky was a fellow sailor, but she always chose the in-camp sailing program while I chose the sailing trip.  She was bubbly and adorable and so incredibly fun.  One of those girls who is so incredibly cute and so incredibly fun that you just can't bring yourself to dislike her for being everything you wished you could be.  She was awesome!  She still is.  You see, Becky is now the camp director and she has the coolest story ever of being dragged, kicking and screaming, to camp her first year.  And then, at the end of the week, a repeat of the kicking and screaming as she was dragged away.  She kept going back to camp every year and, as far as I know, she's never missed a year.  She LOVES camp.  And she's still one of the coolest people I know.  I've always admired her.  Her sister, who isn't diabetic, met her husband at camp when she started working as a nurse there.  And their little girl, who's just a few months younger than Lily, is diabetic as well.  So we're all connected through Facebook.  Becky heard through her sister about my fitness and weight-loss efforts and sent me a message a few months back.  I had the opportunity to chat with Becky at camp today.  I'm tearing up as I'm writing this because it was such an amazing thing.  She told me that I inspired her.  She's dropped almost 30 lbs herself now and she said it's because of hearing of my efforts and successes that she has been working so hard and trying to be active as well.  I'm just so incredibly touched and happy to hear that! 

Friday, August 5, 2011

A book review...

I've been debating about posting a little bit of a book review on here for some time now.  A couple months ago, I picked up the book Heaven is for Real at Costco.  It came highly recommended by several people.  Honestly, I used to devour books!  When the last Harry Potter book came out, Lily was just a couple months old.  I have very vivid memories of holding her in one arm, bottle in hand so I could feed her while holding the book in the other hand!  But since Leo was born and Lily was diagnosed, I haven't picked up a book with any more substance than you can find in a trashy romance.  I just don't have the brain-power and mental ability to sit still and read a book lately.  It's so frustrating.  But, I picked up this one and cracked it open and finished it, from cover to cover in about a day!  It was an amazing story.  I'll give you the synopsis first:
A young boy emerges from life-saving surgery with remarkable stories of his visit to heaven.
Heaven Is for Real is the true story of the four-year old son of a small town Nebraska pastor who during emergency surgery slips from consciousness and enters heaven. He survives and begins talking about being able to look down and see the doctor operating and his dad praying in the waiting room. The family didn't know what to believe but soon the evidence was clear.
Colton said he met his miscarried sister, whom no one had told him about, and his great grandfather who died 30 years before Colton was born, then shared impossible-to-know details about each. He describes the horse that only Jesus could ride, about how "reaaally big" God and his chair are, and how the Holy Spirit "shoots down power" from heaven to help us.
Told by the father, but often in Colton's own words, the disarmingly simple message is heaven is a real place, Jesus really loves children, and be ready, there is a coming last battle.
Reading the story gave me goosebumps.  But it also gave me an incredible amount of hope!  I'm not an overly-religious person, but I do believe in God, Jesus, and Heaven.  I believe there's a purpose to this life and how we live it.  And like so many others, I've lost some really important, wonderful and amazing loved ones.  Reading Heaven is for Real gave me so much hope!  And it makes me want to share that hope with others.  In fact, I passed the book on to my sisters and I know it will make the rounds through my family.  Hope is an amazing thing, but it's even more amazing when you can spread it around!

In case you're not already convinced that you want to pick up this book and see what it has to say, I have a story to share.  A couple of days after finishing the book, I got a knock on my door.  You know those knocks...the local churches, the Jehovah's Witnesses, the various church organizations that come through with the idea that they're going to recruit you to their legions.  One of those knocks.  A couple of elderly men from a local Baptist church.  I have nothing against any religion, but I do have this pet peeve with many of them....the belief that their religion is the one and only true religion and everyone who doesn't follow them will be condemned.  I do not believe in that.  I don't believe in God condemning people to burning in Hell for all of eternity.  In fact, my belief in that can be summed up in one a parent, what would it take for you to cast your own child aside?  Reading the book just cemented that idea for me.  We are all God's children, no matter how we choose to worship or what form our spirituality takes, and I cannot envision a parent who would be willing to cast their own child aside.  So when these two men came to my door and asked me if I believed I was going to Heaven and how sure I was, I told them that I know without a doubt that God will not cast me aside and condemn me to the trials of Hell.  These people who knock on our doors, touting their own religion and trying to convert and "save" us, feed on our fears and our insecurities.  It felt good to have the upper hand for once!

Anyway, I hope you'll all forgive me for veering into the religious stuff tonight.  I'm not trying to convert anyone or recruit anyone for my religion and I'm asking nothing from anyone who reads this.  I just wanted to take the chance to share with you a book that has a wonderful message.  I want others to feel the hope that I do now.  I want others to know that, at the end of this life, we'll all be reunited with our loved ones.  I want others to know that death is not only an ending, but also the beginning of a new life.  That is very precious knowledge and gives the greatest hope of all!

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

When sweet turns bitter...

I had this experience once when I was a child.  My step-dad, who had a profound drinking problem, had a 7-Up can in the garage where he was tinkering with an old truck he owned.  I took a drink, expecting the crisp, cool, sweet taste of 7-Up.  Yeah, not so much.  Turns out he'd replaced it with something a bit stronger and with a much less pleasant taste to it.  I'm going through an experience that reminded me a bit of that one....I expected to taste something sweet and it turned out to be pretty darn sour!  My wonderful husband earns rewards at work that he can cash in on gift cards.  He used his rewards to order a large enough gift card for me to spend on a night away.  In a hotel.  All by myself.  Seriously, do you have any idea how precious that kind of a gift is?  I wanted to cry over how sweet the thought of that is, how incredible his gesture was.  It just so happens that my oldest sister's birthday is this month.  She's turning 40.  My three other older sisters decided we should do something special for her birthday.  A night away at a hotel in central Minnesota on a night when Bret Michaels is playing at the casino just down the road.  So, hotel and concert and a night away with my sisters.  Sounds F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S!  I was so excited!  But here comes the bitter mom is coming with.  My mom is desperate to be "one of the girls" and even though Bret Michaels really isn't her kind of music (she's more old-school country) and my sisters plan to drink themselves silly (my mom has been in Al-Anon for over 20 years), my mom insists that she is coming with.  I love my mom.  But, some of the sweetness of this idea has worn away to show a little bit of bitterness.  Ah....we can't have it all though, right?

Anyway, there's more to this post than just the complaint above.  I have a fitness update!  After months and months of being stuck on a plateau, I've finally fallen off the cliff on the other side!  My weight is back to dropping.  I'm down a total of 43 lbs right now!  I've picked up a tape measure and done a full set of measurements so that I can keep better track of how the fat is coming off.  I don't know if the break in the plateau is just because it was time or if it's because of diet changes (more veggies and protein, less refined carbs), the heart-rate monitor, the sprint-training, or just the phases of the moon.  For whatever reasons that the weight is coming off again, I'm happy I've been keeping at the exercise and making more positive lifestyle changes.  I'm feeling great, even if I'm still not getting nearly as much sleep as I should!  And even better than the weight-loss...I've gone from wearing size XL to L and my size 16 pants are now getting a bit too loose!  I even splurged on a few new t-shirts and some skirts from Athleta.  I love, love, love their clothing!  It feels great to see all of the changes.  A year ago, I hated having my picture taken!  I'm still not a huge fan of it, but it's not nearly as embarrassing anymore.  In fact, I'll share a couple of pics with you so you can see the difference:

January 2010

July 2011

Pretty big difference, I think.  I still have quite a ways to go, but the fact that I no longer have triple chins and I can't see the rolls underneath my boobs when I look down now makes me feel pretty good about it all.  And seriously, best of all is that I can chase after my kids, run around the backyard with them and I don't get winded!  Yay for being a fun mom!

Okay, one last thing before I head to bed for the night.  I just wanted to say a great big "thank you" to everyone who commented on my last post and a very special thanks to Sarah.  Your comment made me tear up!  It's that sense of "same", of finding someone who actually understands it.  A diabetes diagnosis for your child is heartbreaking no matter who you are.  But for me, it was shattering.  My heart didn't just break, it shattered into a million pieces and they flew off in a million directions.  And there everyone is, expecting you to take it so much better than other parents because you're already familiar with the disease!  As awful as it was for our family and yours, it's nice to know that there are others who understand and went through similar emotions, even though people thought we shouldn't!  That knowledge, my dear friend, is a priceless gift!  So, thank you!

Confession for the night....I heard my neighbor, whom I'd never met, yelling at her kids the other day.  It made me, am I glad we haven't met!  Why would I want to meet this person?  And then, last week, I heard her outside with her kids and I sucked up my pre-judgement and dragged the kids over to say "hello".  Turns out she's actually a really nice person!  Her two boys are energetic and drive her crazy and she's spending the summer as a stay-home-mom while she's in between jobs as a nurse.  Meeting her taught me an important lesson....I'm sure others judge me when I'm having an off-day too!  I need to keep my judgements in check and not let them keep me from seeking out the truth of a person.  I would've missed out on meeting a really wonderful neighbor had I not thrown the judgement out the window and ran off without it!