Saturday, June 16, 2012

Still Broken

The loss of my laptop is still keeping me from posting as much as I used to.  I find it much harder to sit down at a chair in front of an actual computer screen and write.  Not sure why that is though.  I've had the urge to sit down and write quite a bit and things I've wanted to write about, but by the time I get to the computer, it's all forgotten or I just don't have the mental energy to write.  Quite possibly that's because by the time I get to sit down at the computer with enough time to write, the day is over, the kids are in bed, and my husband is ready to crawl into bed and commence snoring.

Anyway, I had intended to write a couple of weeks ago.  I was planning a trip up north to visit my family and celebrate my niece's graduation.  I wanted to write about how to take exercise with you when you go on trips away from home.  And then, I just never got the time before the kids and I made the trek up north.  Between the five-hour drive up and the five-hour drive back, something happened to my mind.  Going back "home" has a tendency to mess things up for me.  It brings back things from childhood that I don't necessarily want to remember or feel again.  And this time, it brought me to a realization....I'm still broken.  I try to fool myself into thinking that's not true, but the fact is, I'm just not quite whole yet.

I've been struggling for months with taking the time to exercise again.  I manage a few days in a row and then I slack off again.  I've been blaming it on things....lack of sleep, the bone spur on my heel, rough nights with Lily....there are always plenty of excuses.  But the real reason....I just don't feel that I'm worth the effort.  I'm not on my list of priorities.  The kids, the husband, the house, the cleaning and a million other things are far more important to me than I am.  And that mentality is so deeply a part of me that I just have no idea how to go about changing it.  I can fool myself for a little while, but once I talk to my mom or return home, the facade is ripped down and I'm left feeling like nothing again.

I've written about my childhood a bit on here and honestly, it's not as bad as some.  Yes, there was a bit of physical abuse and neglect, but not nearly as bad as what some others have had to endure.  The only real problem that I'm left with now.....feeling unloved.  Growing up without affection, without feeling wanted or cherished, has left a hole.  I have very little self-value.  I know logically that the fault is not in me.  I know logically that my mother did love me, as much as she was capable of doing.  I know logically that my mother is self-centered and self-absorbed and that is the only reason why I was ever neglected or forgotten.  But deep inside, I'm not logical.  I'm still that little girl who wondered what was wrong with her that no one loved her or remembered her, no one offered her affection and understanding.  And that part, deep inside, that still hurts over that, makes the grown-up, logical me think that if I wasn't loved enough to be on anyone else's list of priorities, why should I ever be on my own?

That's what I'm struggling with right now.  I'm trying to figure out a why to heal that hurt child inside.  I have to find a way to convince her that she is loved and is worthy of being loved, that she's worthy of being on that list of priorities.  I'm just having a really hard time finding the right path to that conviction.  I know that I'm the only one who can change that for myself, which makes it all the harder.  There are times when I want to put the responsibility for it on husband has been busy and stressed with work and hasn't had much time or energy to spend with me in the evenings.  That hurts and makes me feel less important.  But it's not his fault or his responsibility to fix me.  I have to fix me so that I don't take his lack of mental energy personally.  I have to figure out how to fix it myself and not put it on him.  I need to find a way to be a healthy person, inside and out.  I just wish the solution were easy to find.....anyone know where to find a user's manual for this kind of thing?