In the silence.....

I'm sure it hasn't escaped anyone's notice that there are a few bloggers who've been MIA for the last month or so.  Some you worry about, some you miss tremendously for the dose of humor and real-ness that they give us all, and some just slip from the radar for a bit.  I'm one of the last category, I think.  I've been missing, silent.  My heart just hasn't been in blogging for a bit.  I've avoided it.  For a number of reasons.  Tonight, I thought I'd jump on and write up a quick update on all that's been going on....

My fitness journey....ended in a train-wreck.  Sort of.  I've come to the conclusion that I may have been severely over-training.  I'd lift weights, push myself hard and feel the soreness in my muscles the next day.  I'd go to the gym that day, intending to take it easy and just do a slow, light-weight workout.  And then I'd get on the machine and slowly inch the resistance up and increase the time bit-by-bit until I found myself doing an hour-long workout with major resistance and find that my legs were like jelly when I hopped off.  I hit a wall eventually.  I just couldn't do it anymore.  I've tried to go in a couple times a week.  I'd intend to go in the afternoons and then, around 1:00, I'd find myself so exhausted that the only thing I could do was pop a movie in for the kids so I could have a nap on the couch.  It was frustrating.  It made me want to cry.  I've never wanted to be that absent from my children's lives as I was for those afternoons.  Now, a month or so later, and after being treated for two sinus infections and having massive bloodwork drawn, I'm starting to feel like I'm capable of going back to exercising again.  I'm itching to go back! 

About that bloodwork......a few months back, it was discovered that my testosterone levels are about twice what they should be.  My doctor decided to run a few more tests in an effort to figure out what was going on.  Turns out my progesterone levels are also much higher than they should be.  The current suspicion is that I have an adrenal disorder that is preventing my body from making cortisol.  Funny thing about cortisol...you actually need it in order to deal with daily stresses.  You hear all this bad stuff about having too much of it, but having too little is not a good thing either.  Little things like trying to get your child to preschool on time are enough to drain you.  Cortisol also plays a big part in keeping your blood sugars stable.  So those afternoon naps....when I clawed my way out of the oblivion of them, it'd turn out that my blood sugar was in the 30-40 range.  Not good.  I have an appointment with an endocrinologist who specializes in the adrenal aspect of things, but it's not until January 23rd.  Hopefully she'll have some answers and solutions for me!

The kids are doing great.  We had a rough few weeks where Lily's blood sugars just wouldn't come down from the stratosphere, but it's passed now.  She's doing fantastically in school.  The teachers tell us that they're finally starting to get full-sentences from her!  She's absolutely amazing.  I know I'm completely prejudiced as her mom and all, but she makes such interesting observations and asks some fantastic questions sometimes.  Tonight, she asked me if the water that comes out of her (pee) is the same water that she just drank!  Leo is still a naughty little thing.  He's finally sleeping in his own bed and as much as I miss snuggling with him all night long, it's turned out to be a good thing for him and Lily.  They're sharing a room and every now and then, we'll go in to test Lily and find this:

Aren't they cute?  Leo asks Lily if he can sleep in her bed sometimes.  She always says no, but as soon as we leave the room and Leo is asleep, she crawls into his bed with her.  It's just too cute!  They spend time playing together each morning before they wake us up.  It's especially a good thing since we can't seem to get them to sleep past 5:30!  On Christmas morning, we heard Leo call out at 5:15, "There are presents all over under the tree!"  Lily's cry of, "Santa came!" wasn't far behind!  I've got to share a few more pictures of them since they're so darn cute and are my whole entire world!

My little dancer!

My basketball player!

My Christmas cuties!

On the crafting front....here are a couple pictures of the many, many things I've been working on lately:

Blankets for a friend's twin babies

Mohawk hats!

There's a whole bunch more, but I think I'll save it for later.  I'm thinking of doing a small giveaway, nomination-style, and asking for nominations from the DOC for a couple of moms who are in need of a tiny little something for themselves.  I'd say moms who deserve, but everyone in the DOC is deserving!  Anyway, that's for another day.  For now, I'm heading to bed.  Night, all!







This, that, and the other thing...

October sucked.  It was just plain awful.  Between Lily starting preschool and the changing of seasons here in Minnesota from not-winter to nearly-winter, we've been hit by one bug after another.  My whole fitness journey came to a screeching halt.  Colds knocked me on my ass time and time again.  I barely made it to the gym enough to get our health insurance kick-back on our gym fees!  And then November started and it wasn't any better.  More colds, more headaches, more pains, less energy.  We went from nearly-winter to fudge-it's-cold!  We've even got a bit of snow on the ground.  The fitness thing wasn't going anywhere still.  I finally went in to see the doctor.  I've had a few minor sickies going on for a while now.  The doctor started testing my testosterone levels about six months or so ago.  And they came up fairly high.  Well, this time, she added another test on and she's come up with a "tentative" diagnosis of Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia.  To be honest with you, I'm not exactly sure what this means or what all it entails.  I know it has something to do with not having enough cortisol because of a deficient enzyme in the adrenal glands.  Who know?  Whatever it is, I have to go see a new endocrinologist.  One who doesn't specialize in diabetes.  Nothing like adding some more complications on.  In the meantime, I'm heading back to the gym and trying to at least move my rear end from my sick bed and out in the world with my children again!

Okay, now my real purpose in writing tonight.  I need to ask for prayers and positive thoughts for a friend of mine.  I have a wonderful friend, Christy.  She's got two gorgeous boys, ages 7 and 4.  And about a year ago, she and her husband decided that they wanted "just one more baby".  Life had other ideas for them.  Their adorable pair were born three months ago now.  A beautiful little girl who will be tremendously spoiled by her three brothers and a handsome boy who will no doubt be as much of a joyful handful of trouble as his two older brothers!  But, life has handed them something else to deal with in the midst of the pregnancy and new babies.  Christy's husband was diagnosed with colon cancer.  A very aggressive form of it.  He's finished up chemo, but the type of cancer he had is particularly prone to re-occur.  I'm remembering them in my prayers each night and I'd like to ask those of you who believe in the power of prayer and positive thoughts to remember them as well.  They're such incredible people and their four children are such sweethearts.  I'm hoping life has many more wonderful, amazing things in store for them!

Off to bed for me!  Sleep is such an incredibly precious thing, isn't it? 

Picture Overload!

I keep meaning to hop on here and do a "one-year-later" post about the whole fitness journey.  I promise I'll get to it soon!  But for now, I have tons of pictures to share.  I'll start with the funny one to give you all a good laugh!

Little explanation...my kids have an obsession with stickers and love to put them everywhere and anywhere in our house.  I find them on doors, tables, chairs, walls, and floors.  The one below is on my kitchen floor and every. single. time. I walk into the kitchen, I see it and have a certain thought that pops into my head.  I won't mention the thought because I want to see if anyone else picks up on it.  Let's just say that when you combine this sticker design with the new Buzz Lightyear and Belle sippy cups that Disney has out, you figure Disney just might need to rethink some of their products!

The close-up

Next up...we did our ADA Step Out: Walk to Fight Diabetes this past Saturday.  I sucked royally at fundraising this year.  Less than $100, which was a huge bummer.  But, we did do the entire 5k walk this year!  Yay for the Roerig family!  We had some friends catch a quick family photo.  I'm usually the one behind the camera, so it'll be one of the rare pictures of all four of us!

The Friday before the walk, the kids and I took a little bit of a trip.  We drove 45 minutes each way to go to a special animal rescue shelter in the amazingly beautiful town of Hastings (beautiful, historic, gorgeous).  We came home with two new family members who can usually be found curled up in my lap at night!  Lily has decided their names will be Gilbert (courtesy of Caillou) and Miss Bella Fuzzy (no clue where that one comes from).  They're beautiful and cuddly and so entertaining!  They gave me quite the giggle the other night.  Gilbert was cuddled in my lap and Bella came to join him.  She started burrowing in and I couldn't figure exactly what she was about until I started hearing the sucking noises...she was trying to nurse on poor Gilbert!  It sounded like a little squeaky toy.  I nearly died laughing!  Gilbert's the handsome black (4-months-old) and Bella is the tabby (2.5-months-old).

And last, but not least, I've taken up knitting!  I've been wanting to take a class through the community center, but it just didn't work out.  Only offered on Saturdays and those are pretty packed already!  So, I looked up a few sites on the internet and finally came across this one HERE.  They have some fantastic basic videos to show you how to do the stitches.  I'm actually doing pretty well with it, I think.  It's not as quick as crochet, but it is relaxing.  And the kittens are even beginning to learn to leave the yarn alone while they're curled in my lap!  Love that!  I decided to work on a skirt for Lily to start.  She needs more church-appropriate clothing!  I'll have to post on that one a bit later too.  But here's how far I've gotten so far:

No designs just yet, but a pretty variegated yarn and simple stitches.  We'll see how it turns out!

Last one...my Pirate and my Princess.  They had a blast on Halloween and hearing Leo say, "Arrrr, Maties.  Yo, ho, ho!" and seeing Lily twirling in her pretty dress made my night.  Love them!





I can take it....

Deep, deep breaths.  In and out.  In and out.  Keep breathing, but dammit, I want to hit something.  I want to let loose with a stream of profanity so vulgar, it would make a pimp blush.  It's been one of those days here.  Normally, I can take whatever D throws at us and just keep going.  All the highs for Lily don't bother me so much.  Throw some insulin at them and they come floating down within a couple of hours.  But the lows!  Oh, the lows terrify me.  I hate seeing her low!  I was exhausted this morning.  I wanted to just lie down on the couch and sleep.  I fed the kids breakfast, dosed Lily, and turned on a cartoon.  Some days, that's about all I can find in me to do.  Within an hour, Lily was hungry again.  I asked her to hold off.  I usually try to wait until it's been two hours since that morning dose because her blood sugar floats up in the higher stratosphere in the mornings and I want to make sure her insulin has peaked.  Today, she didn't want to wait.  She was hungry and wanted something more now!  So, we tested.  Good thing too.  That mid-morning bg that usually hangs out in the 300s was somehow 39.  I pelted her with juice and carbs and she bounced all the way up to 464 like one of those evil super-bouncy balls.  Gave her a correction and an hour later, she's back down to 104 with insulin still on board!  Fed her lunch, gave her insulin for only about half the carbs and she still hung out in the low 100s.  Brought them to the gym and loaded her up with a full Horizon carton of milk and a cookie, no insulin for any of it.  Picked her up an hour and a half later and her bg was only 164.  Great number, but the milk and cookie would normally have her up in the 400s without insulin coverage!  And now, the icing on our cake.  Fed her dinner, dosed her for half the carbs again.  Tested her two hours later, as she's sleeping not-so-peacefully.  She's back down to 37.  F*ck, f*ck, f*ck.  My sensibilities don't let me type out the whole word and as many times as it's going through my head.  But seriously, f*ck this disease!  This shit is f*cked up!  I know Lily is most likely hitting another growth spurt.  That means we get a lovely couple of weeks of chasing her around with sugar, trying to cram unhealthy crap into her body because it's the quickest way to get sugar down her throat and into her blood stream.  I'm sick of this bullshit right now!  I just want her to be able to grow without worrying that her body is going to take everything she has and it won't be enough.  I want her to grow and be safe and healthy!

Now for the funny little kicker to end this whole bit....her bg being that low makes my body go into the "fight or flight" mode.  I get frantic to get her bg up.  And so, at the end of treating her massive low, I get to treat my low!  Fun, fucking fun!

Set adrift...

A little clarification first...on my last post about pumping vs MDI, someone commented that they thought pumping was safer than MDI.  I'm not sure if my post gave the impression that I think one is "safer" than the other or not, but personally, I don't think it's a matter of which is "safer".  Neither option is "dangerous" on its own.  But both can be lethal if they're not carefully used, but used correctly and with the thought, they're life-giving and phenomenal tools.  We each just choose what we're most comfortable with.

On to what's been bugging me for some time now.  I'm lost.  I feel lost, drifting along and not sure what the directions are, let alone which one to head in.  The story behind it is a bit of a long one.  I'm not sure if I've mentioned it on here before or not, but I actually have a college degree.  I graduated in 2003 with a degree in Elementary Education.  I took a position as a paraprofessional/teacher's aide in an elementary school for the next school year.  I applied and applied and applied.  There were no openings and no job offers.  Until I applied for one randomly at an education job fair.  I got one offer for employment.  In East Baton Rouge Parish, Louisiana.  My husband, who was still my boyfriend at the time, was still in grad school.  I have no doubt that if I'd taken that job offer, I wouldn't have married my husband and wouldn't have my two gorgeous children.  I've never regretted turning that offer down.  Instead, I spent the next school year taking whatever substitute teaching jobs came up while my husband finished his schooling, worked three jobs, and applied for permanent positions in the Twin Cities (we were in a college town just south of Minneapolis back then).  When he got his first major job offer and moved up to the cities, I followed.  I found a job doing before- and after-school child care.  And when I was fired from that job (conveniently, the day after I turned in a fellow co-worker for showing up to work "three sheets to the wind"), I applied for a secretarial job.  I never regretted that move either.  I made some great friends, we managed to buy our home, get married, and conceive a child.  When I was five months pregnant with Lily, my supervisor, whom I adored, went on leave to take care of her husband while he battled cancer.  As he slowly lost his battle, I watched "the big boss" take away all of my supervisor's most enjoyable job duties.  He stripped her position down until it was nothing more than a glorified receptionist and my position, as her assistant, was switched over to be supervised by someone who had told me before I announced my pregnancy that I "shouldn't bother having children because they're not worth the trouble".  And so, at six and a half months along, I quit my job and decided to stay home until Lily was born and then look for a new position after.

Well, one thing led to another and now, nearly five years have passed without me returning to work.  I've never regretted that decision either.  I'm so blessed to have had the ability to stay home with my children!  I'm lucky to have a husband who has not only supported me in this, but has shared in the decision and has encouraged me.  My intention when Lily was born was to return to school in order to earn a Database Administrators Certificate.  Not because I have any passion for it, but because jobs are somewhat plentiful and pay is good.  And it's what I was doing as an "administrative assistant".  I still had that intention until about a year ago.  And then, something changed.  I changed.  I became more active.  Suddenly, spending my days sitting on my rear-end at a desk doesn't sound appealing any more.  The idea has become distasteful.  And my husband has noticed.  Surprisingly, he's actually offered more encouragement.  I know he feels a huge burden, being the only one bringing in an income.  But, he tells me to take my time and figure out what I want to do, what will make me happy.  He tells me that there's no rush.  I'm not sure where he found the generosity and patience to tell me that.  I know he's disappointed in me.  I'm not the most motivated of people.  Actually, that's putting it way too nicely.  I'm horribly un-motivated.  I don't clean like he wishes I would.  I spend money way more than I should.  I don't keep myself in check and fall into depressed states randomly.  I don't hold up my end of things and he's always having to take up the slack.  I'm trying to work on that, but it's not easy and I keep slipping back into old, ugly habits.  It hurts me to know that he's disappointed in me and to know that I'm increasing his burden.  The problem is, the more I feel his disappointment, the more I feel like I'm not good enough, the more I want to just crawl into bed and hide from it all.  Ugly cycle!

Anyway, here's the thing...I'm 34-years-old and I still have no clue what I want to be when I grow up!  I have lots of ideas.  Some of them are not at all practical or probable.  I'd love to write books.  But I have no clue where to start with that and to be honest, I don't have the confidence in myself and my abilities that it would take to do something like that.  I'd love to do something with our church or something with being active and healthy.  Not sure that there are any positions out there for either of those though.  Obviously, I'd like to make enough money that we could start really paying off some of our massive student loan debt.  I have no desire to go back into education.  Not because I didn't enjoy working with the students, but because I hated working in a bureaucratic, politically-charged, under-appreciated industry.  But that's about all I have.  What do I want to do with my life?

Pump Debate-For Joanne!

Blogger doesn't like me.  It doesn't always let me leave comment love for everyone.  I'm not sure why.  Bug up its bum?  Kink in its panties?  Whatever the reason, please understand that I am reading blogs and just not able to comment sometimes, no matter how much I would like to!

This post has been rattling around in my head for a few days.  I was trying to get my thoughts organized.  I'm still not there, but I'm writing it anyway.  Joanne over at Death of a Pancreas wrote this post about the pump trials she just did with her d-daughter.  It hit a spot in me and I felt like I needed to say something, so here goes....

When I got the pump, I was 23-years-old, a college student on public assistance medical, and had just moved in with my boyfriend (who is now my husband).  My biggest concern with going onto the pump, other than the intimidating amount of new d-terms to learn, was the tubing.  To be honest without going into too much detail, I was specifically worried about what to do with the tubing during those newly-in-love, can't-get-enough-of-each-other romps.  Turns out, that wasn't a problem.  Omnipods weren't available back then, but disconnecting was super-easy and made that tubing not an issue at all.  Fast forward to Lily's diagnosis and I immediately decided that she should be on a pump.  It's easier than shots, cuts down on the amount of needles going into her tiny little body, and seemed to suit our lifestyle better.  It's a whole lot easier to get out the door when you don't have to make sure you grab a vial of insulin and needles on your way out!  And here comes the "but"....

Two years later, I'm not as sure about Lily being on the pump.  Yes, it's helpful.  Yes, it's more convenient.  Yes, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE all the perks of the pump.  The portability, the ease, the access...it's all great.  But, I have doubts too.  In the middle of the night, when her blood sugars randomly spike, I wonder if the pump has caused her to have a low.  During the morning, when her blood sugars soar and then plummet, I wonder if the pump is doing what it's meant to do.  You see, for me, the pump made managing diabetes much easier.  It allowed me to go about my day without worrying so much about diabetes.  It offered a more carefree lifestyle.  For Lily, it's done the exact opposite.  It brings me more worries.  More considerations.  More conflictions.  When I hear in the news that a young child has passed due to diabetes, I wonder.  Part of me is very worried that some of these children may be hitting those tremendous growth spurts.  And on shots, maybe their bodies would have been able to handle them.  But because they're on a pump...well, you see where I'm going.  I'm not saying that's the case.  You can never know exactly the reasons why or how or what.  And my thoughts are just that...my thoughts.  But...I worry.  I worry about whether or not I've made the best choice for Lily.  I worry if the choice I made is going to cause her growth to be stunted because we're trying to control her too tightly.  I worry if she's going to eventually come to resent the pump and its limitations.  I occasionally worry that her activities will cause the pump to become an issue or that her pump will get in her way.  I worry that I was a bad mom for forcing the pump on her at such a young age.

So...for Joanne, this post is for you.  Only you can know exactly what fork in the road your family should go down.  Only you can decide what's best for your child.  Either way, pump or no pump, there is always going to be doubt and fear in your mind.  Because that's what we mommies do!  We doubt ourselves and fear that we're not doing what's best for our children.  And that is exactly the proof that shows that we are indeed doing what is in our children's best interests!  We put them ahead of our own thoughts and feelings and do what needs to be done.  Your family will make the choice that's right for beautiful girl.  And even when you do, you're still going to doubt it.  But just follow your gut and know that we're all here to cheer you on, no matter what choice you make!

Opening up shop!

Okay, I finally have a few listings up on Etsy!  Reyna, your hat is one of them!  I added a couple of cute little pompoms to it and I have to say, I think it looks pretty cute.  You can find the listing HERE.  I have a few other things listed as well and am working on getting some more done.  If anyone is interested, you can find my store by clicking HERE.  I finally got a good picture of a set that I've been meaning to post a pic of and I got that listed too.  It's cuter than cute and I'm tempted to make a set up for myself!

An update on other things...I was doing pretty good last week with the exercising.  I was taking Reyna's advice and clawing and scratching my way out of my funk.  I made it to the gym and worked my butt off several days last week.  And then Saturday came.  My family was throwing a benefit for my nephew, who has chronic renal failure and is going to need a kidney transplant soon.  I decided to go and bring the kids.  Unfortunately, attending meant driving for five hours in the car to get to the benefit and then driving five hours back.  I drove roughly 640 miles in less than 36 hours.  It.  Was.  AWFUL!  Driving that much with two small kids is not a fun experience.  And it left me with no energy for exercising on Saturday or Sunday.  And ever since then, we've been battling cold bugs.  Lily's been sick with a hacking cough for days.  Leo's got a runny nose.  And I'm all stuffed up.  It makes for some fun times.  It's been five days without working out and I'm starting to see all the flabby spots again.  I'm hoping I can manage to make it tomorrow to get in a good workout.  Or at least a small strength-training session.  That might be kind of high hopes though....Lily's second day of preschool is tomorrow, if she's feeling up to it.  And Leo and I will be staying to show Lily's teachers the ins and outs of her insulin pump.  Let's hope it all goes well!