On the eve...

Tonight is Lily's last night as a 2-year-old. She turns 3 at exactly 5:46 a.m. Oh, what a year it's been! We had a few good months pre-diabetes and finished off the year with finger-pricks, test strips, needles, injections, insulin vials, logbooks, and her new, pretty pink pump (or her "punk" as she calls it!). Birthdays take on a new meaning and your view of them changes so much when your child has diabetes. You start seeing all those little milestones and moments with insulin-goggles. That birthday cake will raise your child's blood sugar to the moon. The fun and games of the birthday party will cause a low and you'll have to wrestle your child into your lap and hold her still while you force juice into her before she can rejoin the fun of her own birthday party. It sucks sometimes. But....the truth is, we're all grateful to make it to another birthday. Lurking in the back of our minds is the fear that we'll fail at keeping our child safe from her own body. It may not be likely that we'll ever fail to that extent, but we can't rid ourselves of that fear. So, tonight, I'll get myself ready for bed before sneaking into my daughter's room with her meter to test one last time before I doze off until the next finger-prick. And tomorrow, I'll bring out the chocolate cake I baked for my little girl and the load of presents that I couldn't resist picking out for her when I thought about how she'll only be able to have a small piece of that birthday cake and her party fun will be interupted by frequent finger-pokes and insulin dosing. Somewhere in the middle of all the worrying and stress, I'll rejoice that I've brought my little girl to another birthday, happy and as healthy as a life with diabetes allows her to be. When it comes down to it, I wouldn't trade one moment with her!

Bedtime Lows

I have Type I Diabetes. I've been diabetic for decades. But this isn't about me. My beautiful, perfect, little girl was diagnosed with diabetes as well. At the incredibly young age of 27-months. It was incredibly heartbreaking, but that's another story for another day. Tonight, the story is about the awfulness of bedtime lows. I go in to test her blood sugar every night before I can go to sleep. More often than not, her blood sugar runs high. I'm okay with it being a bit high at night. It's a comfort to me because then I know she won't be hitting rock-bottom in the middle of the night. Her tiny little body is constantly going through major changes and her blood sugars often make me feel like we're on a neverending roller coaster ride. I hate, hate, hate the nights when her blood sugars are low when I test them at my bedtime. It means I have to wake her up from her peaceful slumber to get her to drink a bit of orange juice. All it takes to bring her blood sugars up is a little bit, but it's still a break in her sleep. And then I play the waiting game. I'm waiting right now. Fifteen minutes seems like a long time when you're waiting to retest your toddler's blood sugar. And if it hasn't come up enough, there's more juice, more waiting, and another finger-poke to do. It's all followed by a very restless night for us both. Her sleep has been disturbed. My sleep will be disturbed. I'll spend the night waking up, off and on, imagining every creak of the floor, every sigh, every little noise is her, questioning if she's low again or if her little body has kicked in and used her stored resources to send her blood sugar soaring among the stars. Oh, the life of a mom with a diabetic child! It's one of constant worries, constant second-guessing, questioning if you're doing a good enough job, and trying to repress that little part of you that wants to panic and think about all the scary possibilities life with diabetes has in store for your child and you.

The wait time is over. Off to poke another tiny little finger and hope for the best!