Saturday, May 14, 2011

So very grateful!

D-blogging has been sidetracked.  I promise I'll get back to it soon, but tonight, I have something else on my mind....

We had a birthday party for Lily tonight.  My mom drove down this weekend for a visit and her visit just so happened to coincide with the party's date.  For my mom, "visiting" means we join her as she shops.  It's torture, really.  I have a hard time with spending money that I shouldn't spend and so while I'm out with her, it's hard to keep myself from spending what I shouldn't.  But it's torture in a different way too.  My mom is extremely uncomfortable with her weight.  She bases a great deal of her self-value on her weight, which means she just doesn't value herself much at all.  It's difficult to clothes-shop with her for that reason.  She tries things on.  They don't fit.  No matter how beautiful the clothes are, she never considers going up a size.  She squeezes herself into clothes that don't fit, just so she won't have to say she's a size bigger than she already wears.  During our "visit" on Thursday, we had a conversation.  She complained about her husband offering to take her out to a dressier dinner event.  She refused the opportunity to go out on a date with her husband.  Because she doesn't have any dressier clothes to wear to the dinner.  And she refuses to buy dressier clothes until she loses weight.  I've lost count of how many times I've heard that excuse from my mom.  "I don't want to buy new clothes until I lose weight".  She would rather deprive herself of new clothing, of dates with her husband, than buy herself clothes that look good on her body and make her feel good about herself. 

Back in October, my husband said something profound that woke me up from the path I was on to becoming just like my mom.  I was complaining about needing to buy a new winter coat and not wanting to buy one because of the size I was.  His profound comment...."why don't you just buy some jeans and Disney sweatshirts a size or two too small while you're at it?"  I know, it probably sounds harsh.  His tone of voice was gentle and teasing at the time.  He's always loved me and found me attractive no matter what my size has been.  That one single comment was exactly what I needed to hear!  I woke up and I set myself off on a different path.  I threw myself whole-heartedly into my efforts of changing my lifestyle so that I could teach our children a better way of life than what I learned from my mom.  I did not want to share that lifestyle with my kids.  If my husband hadn't said what he did, I'd still be on that path of destruction.  Spending time with my mom the other day brought all of that back to the surface.  I left her, feeling saddened in many ways, but also, feeling so incredibly grateful!  I came home, hugged my husband, cooked him dinner, and told him how profoundly grateful I am for him and his support and encouragement while I've made these changes.  He has been my biggest cheerleader, my greatest friend, and my most valuable partner in this journey.  He let me come home and unburden my mind by telling him what had been said and how I was feeling about it all.  And then, he helped me come to one very important, uplifting realization....There will be no turning back for me!  Now that I've been down both paths and seen what goes along with them, I will never be able to go back to what I was.  What hope that gives me for my future, the future of my family and the lives of my children!


  1. There have been a lot of posts lately in the DOC about people connecting their self-worth and self-esteem to their A1C. Whenever I read those posts, I can't help but think of people who connect their weight to their self-worth and self-esteem. Neither is a healthy connection.

    Feel proud for making the changes you've made. Those changes are not easy. You've made incredible progress and you're doing something so valuable for your children. Kudos to you!

  2. I love that. I love reading about you, your hubby, your realizations, your path, Cindy. You are "REAL". You share some great stuff. I admire you. I actually get stuck in the whole self-worth-body-image crap. I am right now...with my bum foot and all. I am trying not to. I am eating healthfully. I am still doing strength training...but I am stuck there...not focusing on the "real" matters of life...which is not "all about me"! There, I said it. :) Love you.

  3. Thank you for sharing this. I appreciate your honesty and admire your courage. I am struggling with this right now...not the A1C (though I do place a lot of my pancreas-worth on Bean's number!) but the weight. I need to focus on the things I CAN do and not all of the things I CAN'T that keep me from doing what I CAN. :)

  4. My sister is the same way, she's a beautiful person, but she's gained weight since her break up with her boyfriend (it's been several years now!!!) She keeps thinking she's a certain size when really she's about two sizes bigger. So shopping with her is miserable because, "all the clothes aren't made for big chested women" is what she says. Anyhow...I think often the underlying problem is much more than weight, usually anxiety or depression. For my sister it's definitely been depression and since she's addressing that issue she's finally starting to address the weight issue, too.
    I think it's wonderful that you and your husband are able to address these topics honestly.

  5. So proud of you, Cindy.

    I remember when you started this journey -- you're doing awesome!!!!!!

    You definitely inspired me to start making changes.