You've heard that line, right? Everyone has. You never know what you're gonna get. Sometimes, marriage is like one of those chocolates. You know that feeling you get when you pick up a chocolate, thinking it's your favorite one in the whole box. And then you bite into is and find out that it's really your least favorite? The one that leaves the nasty after-taste and never seems to go away. Right now, my marriage is a bit like that nasty chocolate. I promise I'll go back to being positive soon, but before I can, I need to get this off my chest.
In the last couple of weeks, we've had some issues pop up. I said something to my mother-in-law that upset her. Not intentionally, but I have a history of saying things wrong, not getting things worded perfectly, or just plain opening my mouth when I shouldn't. I never intend to hurt anyone and I feel awful when I do. But that feeling of awfulness and sorrow for hurting someone gets buried. By my husband's onslaught. I call it emotional abuse, although he doesn't agree with me on that because he doesn't say anything downright degrading or mean or hurtful. But he batters at me, angry and hurt and frustrated, with his words, telling me that I'm uncaring of other's feelings, that I'm selfish and don't think of the hassle I've caused him by hurting his mom or whoever. He never lets up until he hears me say that I'm sorry. I have a hard time with those words, for some reason. Not because I'm not sorry, but because I'm so flustered by his attack that I can't think straight. This kind of argument never ends well. It always leaves me feeling so emotionally drained and sad and hopeless.
A few days after that argument, another one popped up. Here's a truth...I'm a horrible housekeeper. Truly, truly horrible. I have absolutely no memory anymore and if I get interrupted while in the process of doing something, I forget about it. Not intentionally. I could possibly just in the process of beginning a task. And as soon as I'm interrupted, I forget. The laundry, the dishes, cleaning up after lunch. It frustrates my husband. I never leave food lying around because that's one thing that I just can't stand. But there are toys and clothes all over the place. The kids drag toys out and leave them on the floor. I have a pile of clothing in the living room that I've been intending to sort through and just haven't gotten to yet. The kids' clothes need to be folded and put away. It's frustrating. And it makes my husband feel like I do nothing all day long. He never comes straight out and calls me lazy, but he does ask me, repeatedly, to make more of an effort to keep the house clean, to get things put away, to get things done. I always intend to try and accommodate him and often will go for several weeks, doing a good job of keeping him happy. And then, it just ends up getting left by the side of the road. And he just keeps getting more and more frustrated over it.
Final problem popped up today. The day of that Massive Fail post? Lily and I both woke up with high blood sugars. I tried to explain to my husband that I didn't want to go to the gym just yet, that Lily was high and not feeling well. But I forgot to mention that I was high and not feeling up to working out yet. Diabetes can really suck sometimes. Waiting for a blood sugar to come down is the worst. And trying to think when your sugars are off just plain bites. So, I didn't explain it well and made it sound like it was just about Lily's blood sugar. Today, Lily's pump site failed. Before lunch, she was in the 300s. I gave her a correction and waited 45 minutes to feed her lunch. She ate pretty well and I gave her insulin for her lunch before getting us ready to head off to the gym. As a last thought, I checked her before we headed out the door. HIGH. Over 600. I pulled out her infusion site, which gushed blood, and put in a new one. Gave her a small correction and a large sippy of water. Lily wanted to go to the gym and didn't want to wait, she seemed to be feeling okay, not high and sluggish. So we headed off to the gym. And called my husband on the way. He freaked out on me, just a little bit. He didn't understand why it wasn't okay to go to the gym when Lily was high last time, but was okay to go this time. He accused me of making excuses, using Lily as an excuse, using diabetes as an excuse.
I love my husband. I really do. He has his faults, but he's a truly wonderful, kind-hearted, amazing person. I think he's wonderful, not just because of his wonderful qualities, but because of his faults too. But....this is starting to really get to me. In the last couple of weeks, I've taken his words to mean that he thinks I'm selfish, uncaring, unkind, self-centered, lazy, and that I make excuses all the time. I can't remember him saying one kind word, complimenting or praising me, in the last couple of weeks. I have a hard time taking criticism from him. I really do. It's not pretty when he tells me that he's having issues with me. But....it occurred to me today, maybe I would take the criticism better if I heard a kind word every now and then. Lately, all of our interactions lead me to feel like I'm unloved. How could he possibly love me when he thinks I'm selfish and uncaring and lazy? How can you love someone when you think all of those things about them? I feel like I'm not worthy of being loved.
So...here's what it all boils down to: In my mind, if you love someone, you accept them, whole and flawed, just as they are. You don't nit-pick their personality, point out their flaws, and make them feel like less than they are. You offer kindness and acceptance. I very rarely get angry with the people I love. It's a wasted emotion and it's not what I consider a "true" emotion. Under that anger, really, you're just upset, hurt, frustrated, disappointed, etc. It's not really anger. For my husband, it's different. It is anger he feels when I'm less than I should be. I know he loves me and he makes a lot of gestures to show that he loves me. But, I need the words and the affection. I don't need him to spend hours on a weekend trying to pop a dent out of my car. Or cleaning all of the bottles and pop cans out of my car. Not that I don't appreciate those things (and especially sleeping in), but I need to HEAR what he finds attractive about me. I need to HEAR that he thinks I'm a good person.
Anyway, there it is...baring it all and sitting here feeling just a bit naked with so many of my issues laid out for all of you to see. My husband is the one and only person in my family that I've told about my blog and where to find it. I'm kind of hoping he'll decide to take a look at it one of these days so he can see a bit more about how my mind works and how I'm feeling about things. Maybe if he understood.....
First off my hubby hardly reads my blog too! They are missing some really good shit, aren't they?
ReplyDeleteCindy, as always, I appreciate this very quality about you. Baring it all and laying it all out is admirable. I understand the needing to "hear" all of those things that you mentioned...maybe he has a hard time expressing them. Is that something you have identified that is difficult for him to do?
You are focusing on what is important in raising your children and in getting more "healthy" with your daily activities...I think that is wonderful. In the end, the clean house isn't important.
BTW...the Box of chocolate intro had me chuckling...great analogy for picking husbands. You should write a book.