I have a problem. A huge problem, really. I have money-spending issues. I'm way too impulsive and buy things for my husband and children without thinking about the final cost or how hard it's going to make things for the rest of the paycheck period. My husband makes a great salary, but somehow, we're still living paycheck-to-paycheck. We have a huge amount of student loan debt that needs to be paid off. And here I am, spending way too much money on Christmas presents. Not because the presents are important or necessary, but because I want to do something special for my children and my husband. It's causing some really bad marriage problems for my husband and I right now.
Christmas means a lot to me. It's the only time that really felt special when I was growing up. With seven kids, you tend to get lost. My mom didn't buy any special treats or anything for us throughout the year, but Christmas morning, we always knew we'd wake up to find one toy that we really wanted. Christmas was always reserved for just our family. We opened presents, ate some breakfast, played with our new toys, and all sat down to a turkey dinner together. That's what I want for my family too. I want that sense of wonder when they wake up and see that Santa came. I want the time spent together, the meal together. That stuff means so much to me. It's what I live for! Last night, my husband came home and informed me that his sister wanted to make a roast beef for Christmas dinner and that we were invited to go and have dinner with them. In the past, I've tried to explain that it means a lot to me to have Christmas dinner for ourselves, but my husband doesn't react well and I have a hard time explaining. He thinks I don't want to go because I don't like his family or because I'm being selfish and just want what I want. So, I didn't see any way to say no. My heart was crushed. Not by the thought of not having Christmas dinner the way I wanted it, but by the realization that my husband hadn't even thought that it might be important to me. He hadn't even considered what my feelings on the matter might be! I had to go immediately from that to confessing to him how much I'd spent on Christmas presents that day. It wasn't pretty! He told me to take a few of them back. To be honest with you, I understand that I need to take them back. I know we can't afford to spend as much as I did. But at that moment, it felt like he'd just cancelled my Christmas. My heart was already crushed, now it felt like he was just stomping on it!
We argued. I tried to get him to see my feelings about things. He told me I was over-reacting, which was probably true, but it didn't help to hear that. It made me feel like he didn't think my feelings meant anything at all. I said some things to him that were very hurtful and that shouldn't have been said. He stormed off and I was left, sitting on the couch with my little girl while she shook and trembled and her blood sugar plummeted. I hate fighting in front of the kids. I hate how emotions affect blood sugars. I had arguing in the first place. And now I'm left feeling like there's no way to fix this. There's no point in trying to work on a marriage with someone who doesn't care or try to understand my feelings, who just makes me feel worse when I'm already feeling down. I know I'm over-dramatizing things and maybe I'll feel better in a few days. But right now, I just can't see any light.
Sorry for the downer post. I try hard to stay positive, but right now, I just can't find it in me. We all have our bad days, don't we?