My brain. I keep looking for it and just when I get close to finding it, I forget what I was searching for. I think it took off with my sanity and they're having a torrid love-affair in the tropics while I'm stuck here in the snowy cold, brainless and more than half-mad. At the moment, they're probably cuddled up under a palm tree together on some private beach, taking a nap in the shade. Ah well...sanity and intelligence are over-rated, right? Right?
Anyway, about that MASSIVE FAIL....I actually meant to talk about the whole calorie-counting endeavor in that post. The massive fail was in reference to that and to how I was feeling about my ability to manage Lily's blood sugars. I try my best and have such a hard time with it when she's not feeling well! I try to keep reminding myself that at her age, the diabetes game is all about damage control and correcting the blood sugars when they're off. It's not so much about trying to control them like I do with mine. Still, it's hard to remember that sometimes. As her mom, I just want to make things as perfect for her as I can. Unfortunately, diabetes in a toddler/preschooler/school-aged child who still has a lot of growing to do is about as far from perfect as you can get!
Calorie counting....total and massive failure there! Seriously. I started. And then I mentioned to my husband what I was doing. I'd like to blame my complete failure to continue with it on him, but really, it was my choice to react as I had. His response...."calorie counting doesn't really work; it's not like you're going to count calories for the rest of your life." So, I stopped counting. And haven't started again since. That doesn't mean that I'm not doing other stuff though. I'm watching portion sizes, eating healthier foods, snacking on things like grape tomatoes and carrots when I feel the urge to snack, and avoiding late-night snacking, which is one of my major pitfalls (I'm sitting here with a bottle of Mike's Limeade as I type this...). In the month of November, I made it to the gym 20 days. The other 10 days, I tried to do things like taking the kids to the Children's Museum and the Minnesota Zoo. Even when we stayed home, we spent time twirling around the living room, dancing to music cds, giggling and laughing and having a good time. It's made a huge difference! I'm still trying to avoid the scale as much as I possibly can because I don't want to focus on weight lost as much as I want to focus on health gained. But I did peak at it the other day and found that I've now lost 14 lbs. Not bad! But, seriously, not nearly as good of an indicator as the happiness I'm feeling, the energy I now have, the well-being and contentedness that is coming with having a body that is capable of physical exertion. That is so much more important than the weight-loss!
Okay, I need to head to bed. But, before I do, I want to say something. I've been struggling a ton lately with the effect diabetes has on Lily and her life and I've noticed that there seem to be quite a few others out there who are struggling with the same thing with their children. It sucks, seeing diabetes take something away from your child. But...I want to offer some hope for others too. I feel like I'm in a unique position to do that since I've been diabetic myself for over twenty years (coming up on my 24th anniversary at the end of January). I've never felt the kind of anger and resentment over having diabetes myself as I have over my child having diabetes. I see what it has taken from her. But I don't see what it has taken from me. Because the reality is...it has taken nothing from me. We talk about how hard it is to live life with diabetes. But you know what? Life is hard without diabetes! Yes, diabetes adds another element of difficulty to it, but so do so many other things. Every single person has their challenges. There is not one person in this world who doesn't face obstacles and challenges in their life. The truth is, a life without challenges would be boring and not worth living. Challenges make life interesting. They make us appreciate what we have. They make us work harder to have the kind of life we want to have. They keep us from becoming complacent. If a cure comes along, I will be incredibly grateful for it. I will feel blessed for it's existence. But....it's not going to be magic. It's not going to make my life perfect. It's not going to make my life easy. It's just going to take away one element of difficulty. That's it. No more, no less. So...instead of us all dwelling on what diabetes has stolen from our children, maybe we can take a few moments to think of what it has given them. Would our d-kids be as compassionate, as strong, as determined, and as incredibly awe-inspiring if they weren't dealing with diabetes? They are amazing, aren't they? And diabetes just makes them all that much more so!