I'm in a melancholy mood tonight. Our Step Out for the Cure walk is coming up on Saturday. Just a few more days to go. I wanted to actually get in shape for it. That hasn't happened. I have such a hard time motivating myself to go to the gym and exercise. It's not that I don't want to. It's that I'm incredibly lazy, not to mention tired, worn out, stressed....and I have a million excuses. I need to give up on the excuses and just push myself to go. I was also really hoping we'd be closer to our goal. I set our sights high this year though. Our goal was $500. We're at $130. Not even close to where I wanted to be. Which is really why I'm in my funk tonight. You see, I wish I could explain to people how important this is to me. I wish people could really understand what it's like to be a d-mom. I tried explaining it once to someone. The up and down all night long, the nights of no sleep, the anxiety. Her reply..."oh, I totally get that. I'm up and down worrying about my kids all night long too." Not to make light of the stress and strain of just generally being a parent. I understand that. It's what I had before Lily was diagnosed. But only other d-parents "totally get that". I wish I could get others to understand. How do you explain to them when there's no way that they could get it? I wish they could get what it's like to take a trip with your children and have to pull over to the side of the road and hold your baby girl while her body jerks uncontrollably, both of you crying because you're scared, trying to coax her into eating just a little bit more candy. I wish they could understand what it's like to be so tired and so scared for your child that you crawl into bed with her and hold her all night as you both sleep, just because you don't want to walk away from her because her blood sugars are stuck on a see-saw and you can't get them off. I wish they could understand what it's like to hold a teeny tiny little finger, searching for a spot that's not completely calloused from the last year of finger-pokes, to ask your little girl to hold still while you prep her tiny little butt for a new infusion site and fight the urge to cry over how still she holds, how brave she is, how amazing calm and grownup she is, in spite of only being three!
You know what my greatest wish is though? My absolute greatest wish, the one I wish more than anything, is that no parent would ever have to "totally get" this. I wish diabetes were something we could fight like we would any other enemy. I wish all the tears we, as parents of children with diabetes, have cried could be collected and used to drown diabetes, to obliterate it and wash it away, leaving no trace of it behind. Oh, how wonderful would that be? Someday.....Until then, I'm going to hold my daughter close and fight as hard as I can to keep her as happy and healthy and safe as she deserves to be!