I can take it....

Deep, deep breaths.  In and out.  In and out.  Keep breathing, but dammit, I want to hit something.  I want to let loose with a stream of profanity so vulgar, it would make a pimp blush.  It's been one of those days here.  Normally, I can take whatever D throws at us and just keep going.  All the highs for Lily don't bother me so much.  Throw some insulin at them and they come floating down within a couple of hours.  But the lows!  Oh, the lows terrify me.  I hate seeing her low!  I was exhausted this morning.  I wanted to just lie down on the couch and sleep.  I fed the kids breakfast, dosed Lily, and turned on a cartoon.  Some days, that's about all I can find in me to do.  Within an hour, Lily was hungry again.  I asked her to hold off.  I usually try to wait until it's been two hours since that morning dose because her blood sugar floats up in the higher stratosphere in the mornings and I want to make sure her insulin has peaked.  Today, she didn't want to wait.  She was hungry and wanted something more now!  So, we tested.  Good thing too.  That mid-morning bg that usually hangs out in the 300s was somehow 39.  I pelted her with juice and carbs and she bounced all the way up to 464 like one of those evil super-bouncy balls.  Gave her a correction and an hour later, she's back down to 104 with insulin still on board!  Fed her lunch, gave her insulin for only about half the carbs and she still hung out in the low 100s.  Brought them to the gym and loaded her up with a full Horizon carton of milk and a cookie, no insulin for any of it.  Picked her up an hour and a half later and her bg was only 164.  Great number, but the milk and cookie would normally have her up in the 400s without insulin coverage!  And now, the icing on our cake.  Fed her dinner, dosed her for half the carbs again.  Tested her two hours later, as she's sleeping not-so-peacefully.  She's back down to 37.  F*ck, f*ck, f*ck.  My sensibilities don't let me type out the whole word and as many times as it's going through my head.  But seriously, f*ck this disease!  This shit is f*cked up!  I know Lily is most likely hitting another growth spurt.  That means we get a lovely couple of weeks of chasing her around with sugar, trying to cram unhealthy crap into her body because it's the quickest way to get sugar down her throat and into her blood stream.  I'm sick of this bullshit right now!  I just want her to be able to grow without worrying that her body is going to take everything she has and it won't be enough.  I want her to grow and be safe and healthy!

Now for the funny little kicker to end this whole bit....her bg being that low makes my body go into the "fight or flight" mode.  I get frantic to get her bg up.  And so, at the end of treating her massive low, I get to treat my low!  Fun, fucking fun!