The other day, I caught Laura's post over at Houston, We have a problem. Before I start in on my post for the night, I just want to say...I don't know the PWD blogger that's causing all the problems and I have no clue what the original post said other than what Laura shared. But...Laura's post caught at me and hasn't left my mind since. I have some things I want to say about the difference between being a PWD (person with diabetes) and being a parent of a CWD (child with diabetes). Those two things are worlds apart!
There are a very few people in the DOC who have seen both sides of this coin. It gives us a unique perspective and a whole lot more understanding of what diabetes is and what it is capable of doing to a person. I was diagnosed when I was 9 years old. I was self-managed from the very beginning. I cannot recall a single instance when my mom tested my blood sugar or administered an injection. It was all me. I'd spend a year and a half before dx watching two of my older sisters deal with the disease. I spent 22 years taking care of my own diabetes, through puberty, teenage rebellion, college, two pregnancies, and just day-to-day life. And yet, all of that experience did not begin to prepare me for the choices I've had to make as a parent of a CWD. Prior to Lily's dx, I was completely ignorant of how difficult it is to manage this disease in a small child. I had no clue and could not even begin to comprehend what it was going to be like after Lily's diagnosis. When she was diagnosed, I said all the stupid things....
At least she was diagnosed young and will never know life any different. Yup, she'll never know a life without diabetes. But, she'll also only know a life where growth spurts are potentially fatal. Who could possibly have imagined that a teeny tiny little diabetic, when not checked in the middle of the night, could have a blood sugar of 28 because her little body is using every last bit of sugar to help it grow?
Another thing I said...at least we can get her on a pump ASAP and it'll be a little easier to manage. There is no managing diabetes when the person who has it is so tiny! I had no idea that at this stage in Lily's life, "managing diabetes" doesn't happen. It's all about damage control and response. If she high, you give insulin. If she's low, you give sugar. But, what worked well one day won't work the next. Her body is constantly changing and so are its responses. Having a pump does not make it easier. It means more finger pokes, more invasion of diabetes into Lily's life. It's a whole lot more work and a lot more stress. For us, it's worth it. For another family, it may not be what works best for them and their lifestyle.
Oh, here's a good one that I heard a lot from people....At least you're already familiar with diabetes and will know how to manage it for her. Yup, I know diabetes very well. I know my diabetes like the back of my hand! But, that's my diabetes. My diabetes is not that of a tiny little girl. Very, very different. And to be honest with you, I think being diabetic made things a whole lot harder for me in some very significant ways. I didn't understand that I couldn't control Lily's diabetes perfectly. I was really hard on myself and beat myself up over my inability to keep her numbers perfectly within range. I didn't understand how I could fail at this. It took me a bit longer to figure out that I wasn't meant to be in control, I was meant to be correcting whenever I could, however I could.
Those few things are just a sampling of how difficult it is to go from a PWD to being a parent with a CWD. There are so many more differences. Diabetes is definitely not the same in a small child as it is in an adult. PWDs have no clue of how different it is unless they are blessed with a CWD. And I truly mean that "blessed". You see, before Lily was dx, I probably would have been judgemental of parents of CWD. I probably would have thought that I knew a whole lot more than they did because I've lived life as a diabetic. And the truth is...PWDs are completely ignorant! Until you have a CWD, you can't possibly have a clue what it is like and how it should be handled. The truth is that we can only figure out how best to handle our own diabetes. Because it's different for everyone and it's different at every stage in life. And honestly, ignorance is not something to be ashamed of. Ignorance is fine as long as we acknowledge it and try to pursue to correct it whenever possible. Judgements...that's something to be ashamed of. Calling a CWD a "pussy"....most definitely something to be ashamed of! And something to get down on your knees and beg forgiveness for! Our children, with their callussed fingertips, the few hundred thousand needle pricks, and their love of life and activity, are so much braver and more courageous and inspiring than the people calling them "pussies" could ever hope to be!
My confession for the night....I'm a complainer. Horrible complainer. If something is wrong or I feel off or unhappy about stuff, I complain. It's a sort of venting for me. I complain and get the unhappiness out of my system and then I work to try to correct it. My last post...that was a venting. I was feeling trapped and needed to get it out of my system before I could work at getting some time to myself. I complained, then talked things over with my husband (who reads my blog when I tell him he needs to) and then took off for an evening to myself. I wish I weren't such a complainer, but sometimes, it just needs to come out so I can move on!
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
Marriage Myths: Happily Ever After
It's after midnight. I can't sleep. My blood sugar was just 49. So, now I'm stuck here, waiting for it to come back up and trying to get my mind to settle down so I can go to sleep tonight. Hate these kinds of nights! I have stuff on my mind and need to get it off so I can sleep. I hope you'll bear with me....
Who came up with that idiotic line, "And they lived happily ever after"? Seriously, that's got to be the biggest lie when it comes to marriage. I've been in a funk lately and it took me a while to realize just what it was that put me there. I've finally figured it out. It's jealousy. Pure, simple, undiluted, raging jealousy. In the last couple months or so, my husband has developed an addiction to Half-Priced Books. He loves the place. It's his form of a guilty pleasure. He buys computer books. He buys Science Fiction and Fantasty. He buys classics. He's found a lot of great books in the clearance section, hardcover books for $2. A couple of the books he picked up randomly had $ tucked in the back (birthday present that the recipient decided he didn't like and got rid of without looking at it?). Odd, I know. But, it's all inspired him to make a few random trips to the bookstore on his way home from work. He stops off there. Or he goes to the gym after work when the kids and I have gone earlier on in the day. He stops by the liquor store occassionaly, because honestly, our children sometimes have days that leave us feeling the need for a stiff drink! Honestly, I don't mind these stops on his way home. It's good for him. It gives a buffer between work and home so he can blow off some of his frustrations from work before coming home and being asked to give more for his family. But...I'm horribly jealous! Seriously, I don't think he realizes just how precious that freedom is! To decide to make a stop at the book store and look around for a few minutes. To stop at the liquor store to pick up a little something. To go to the gym for an hour or so. ALL. BY. HIMSELF. For me, if I want to do any of those things (I don't do liquor stores...not good places for children!), I have to plan. I have to weigh the desire to stop with the hassle it takes to get two kids in and out of the car. I have to know whether the place I'm stopping at has a bathroom in case our newly-potty-trained Lily gets the urge. I have to make sure the kids have been fed recently, that Lily's blood sugar is stable and in a good range, that the kids aren't too tired or too cranky to bring someplace. If I want to go someplace by myself, I have to ask him if he's okay with me leaving the kids and heading out. And I have to deal with the guilt of asking him to give more than he already does just so I can have a few moments alone. Heck, these days, I'd be happy if I could just poop by myself! I have two extra appendages that have to come with me everywhere I go. I love them dearly and smother them with hugs and kisses and love. But I'm so incredibly jealous of the freedom my husband has that he's not even aware of having!
So here's the thing with all of that...I wouldn't mind so much if my husband was just aware of how lucky he is to have that freedom and if he'd just acknowledge how hard it can be for me to drag the kids with me everywhere I go. He goes to doctors appointments all by himself. I had three doctors trying to make me "leak" while my kids fought over whose turn it was to play a game on my phone! All I want is for him to acknowledge how awful those experiences are for me. As long as I feel appreciated and like my efforts aren't going unnoticed, I'm willing to do anything and keep on going. I just want to know that I'm thought of, that my efforts are noticed and fully appreciated. I don't want it all to turn into a "pissing contest" about who has it hardest or who works the hardest or who does the most. I just want to be acknowledged and shown that what I do is appreciated. I don't get paid for what I do and I'm not wanting money or things from him. All I really want is to know that my contributions to our family and our life together are valued. I can deal with a lack of freedom and with having to ask for time away when I need, if I just felt like he thought my efforts were enough to have earned me a little bit of time away, a little bit of space.
Anyway, I'm not sure I'm making sense anymore. Or maybe I'm just repeating the same things over and over. My point tonight...marriage is hard work and it's not easy to keep each other happy. It seems like we all have this idea in our heads that we should give as good as we get in marriage. Really, that's not the case though. We should give BETTER than we get. We should give without expectations of our efforts being returned. We should give because we LOVE. We're not always going to be living the "happily ever after" fairy tale. Sometimes, neither partner is happy in a marriage. That doesn't mean we give up or move on. It means we look at each other and see the love we still feel and dig deep within to find just a little bit more that we can give to the other person. Because we love them, not because we expect them to do the same. And because when we reach those precious moments when we are both deliriously happy with each other and our family and marriage, we realize that all the effort has been worth it, just for that moment!
If anyone catches the idiot who came up with the idea of "happily ever after", take out a knee-cap for me, would you?
Who came up with that idiotic line, "And they lived happily ever after"? Seriously, that's got to be the biggest lie when it comes to marriage. I've been in a funk lately and it took me a while to realize just what it was that put me there. I've finally figured it out. It's jealousy. Pure, simple, undiluted, raging jealousy. In the last couple months or so, my husband has developed an addiction to Half-Priced Books. He loves the place. It's his form of a guilty pleasure. He buys computer books. He buys Science Fiction and Fantasty. He buys classics. He's found a lot of great books in the clearance section, hardcover books for $2. A couple of the books he picked up randomly had $ tucked in the back (birthday present that the recipient decided he didn't like and got rid of without looking at it?). Odd, I know. But, it's all inspired him to make a few random trips to the bookstore on his way home from work. He stops off there. Or he goes to the gym after work when the kids and I have gone earlier on in the day. He stops by the liquor store occassionaly, because honestly, our children sometimes have days that leave us feeling the need for a stiff drink! Honestly, I don't mind these stops on his way home. It's good for him. It gives a buffer between work and home so he can blow off some of his frustrations from work before coming home and being asked to give more for his family. But...I'm horribly jealous! Seriously, I don't think he realizes just how precious that freedom is! To decide to make a stop at the book store and look around for a few minutes. To stop at the liquor store to pick up a little something. To go to the gym for an hour or so. ALL. BY. HIMSELF. For me, if I want to do any of those things (I don't do liquor stores...not good places for children!), I have to plan. I have to weigh the desire to stop with the hassle it takes to get two kids in and out of the car. I have to know whether the place I'm stopping at has a bathroom in case our newly-potty-trained Lily gets the urge. I have to make sure the kids have been fed recently, that Lily's blood sugar is stable and in a good range, that the kids aren't too tired or too cranky to bring someplace. If I want to go someplace by myself, I have to ask him if he's okay with me leaving the kids and heading out. And I have to deal with the guilt of asking him to give more than he already does just so I can have a few moments alone. Heck, these days, I'd be happy if I could just poop by myself! I have two extra appendages that have to come with me everywhere I go. I love them dearly and smother them with hugs and kisses and love. But I'm so incredibly jealous of the freedom my husband has that he's not even aware of having!
So here's the thing with all of that...I wouldn't mind so much if my husband was just aware of how lucky he is to have that freedom and if he'd just acknowledge how hard it can be for me to drag the kids with me everywhere I go. He goes to doctors appointments all by himself. I had three doctors trying to make me "leak" while my kids fought over whose turn it was to play a game on my phone! All I want is for him to acknowledge how awful those experiences are for me. As long as I feel appreciated and like my efforts aren't going unnoticed, I'm willing to do anything and keep on going. I just want to know that I'm thought of, that my efforts are noticed and fully appreciated. I don't want it all to turn into a "pissing contest" about who has it hardest or who works the hardest or who does the most. I just want to be acknowledged and shown that what I do is appreciated. I don't get paid for what I do and I'm not wanting money or things from him. All I really want is to know that my contributions to our family and our life together are valued. I can deal with a lack of freedom and with having to ask for time away when I need, if I just felt like he thought my efforts were enough to have earned me a little bit of time away, a little bit of space.
Anyway, I'm not sure I'm making sense anymore. Or maybe I'm just repeating the same things over and over. My point tonight...marriage is hard work and it's not easy to keep each other happy. It seems like we all have this idea in our heads that we should give as good as we get in marriage. Really, that's not the case though. We should give BETTER than we get. We should give without expectations of our efforts being returned. We should give because we LOVE. We're not always going to be living the "happily ever after" fairy tale. Sometimes, neither partner is happy in a marriage. That doesn't mean we give up or move on. It means we look at each other and see the love we still feel and dig deep within to find just a little bit more that we can give to the other person. Because we love them, not because we expect them to do the same. And because when we reach those precious moments when we are both deliriously happy with each other and our family and marriage, we realize that all the effort has been worth it, just for that moment!
If anyone catches the idiot who came up with the idea of "happily ever after", take out a knee-cap for me, would you?
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
The other side of Lake Calhoun: Architectural Eye-Candy!
Last time the kids and I went for a walk around Lake Calhoun, I toted the camera around and took some more pictures to share. I've shown pictures of the lake itself, which is just plain gorgeous. But, one of the reasons I love walking around the lake is because it's surrounded by some of the most beautiful homes that man could ever make! So, for your enjoyment, here are a few of my favorites:
Sometime in the near future, I'll have to bring the kids for a tour of The Bakken so I can grab some more pictures from the area to show off on here. The Bakken is a museum of electricity and has a substantial garden to tour as well. But, the coolest thing about the place...The Bakken is named for Earl Bakken, one of the co-founders of Medtronic, Inc. Kind of a cool thing.
And just because I'm super-excited about this, I have something more to share about Lake Calhoun. Look at these pictures closely:
See all those teeny tiny sailboats? And the people in kayaks mixed in? Those kayakers are the instructors and those teeny tiny sailboats are being manned by kids learning to sail! Lake Calhoun has a Sailing Club that offers lessons! They even have a parent & child class that starts at age 4! So, I have plans...two summers from now, when Leo is old enough to learn to sail, the entire family is going to enroll in the parent-child classes and go sailing! I can't wait!
Last thing for the night...I have a couple pictures of the kids playing at Lake Calhoun's park. They're too cute not to share!
That park and the Tin Fish ice cream cones are the highlight for the kids! Oh, and the dogs they see walking around the lake. One of these days, if I can get up the nerve to do it, I totally want to bring my camera down there and get pictures of all the couples walking around. The variety of people is amazing and such a beautiful thing to see!
Confession for the night....I kind of, sort of, made an excuse to get out of visiting with my mom yesterday. She travelled down to stay with my sister and they decided to spend the day shopping. I wasn't feeling the greatest, but I probably could have sucked it up and gone. But...I can't deal with shopping with my mom! She complains constantly and never ends up buying much. She just points and things and say, "if I were 60 lbs less", "if I lost 40 lbs". For the benefit of keeping the harmony between us, I took the out. I'm pretty sure she wouldn't like it if I told her to get over the weight and just love herself as she is at the moment instead of whining about how things would be better if she lost weight. It's not magic, you know. You actually have to do the work to lose it! Anyway, sorry for the mini-rant! I still feel bad for not spending more time with her though...gotta learn not to feel guilty for so much!
Sometime in the near future, I'll have to bring the kids for a tour of The Bakken so I can grab some more pictures from the area to show off on here. The Bakken is a museum of electricity and has a substantial garden to tour as well. But, the coolest thing about the place...The Bakken is named for Earl Bakken, one of the co-founders of Medtronic, Inc. Kind of a cool thing.
And just because I'm super-excited about this, I have something more to share about Lake Calhoun. Look at these pictures closely:
See all those teeny tiny sailboats? And the people in kayaks mixed in? Those kayakers are the instructors and those teeny tiny sailboats are being manned by kids learning to sail! Lake Calhoun has a Sailing Club that offers lessons! They even have a parent & child class that starts at age 4! So, I have plans...two summers from now, when Leo is old enough to learn to sail, the entire family is going to enroll in the parent-child classes and go sailing! I can't wait!
Last thing for the night...I have a couple pictures of the kids playing at Lake Calhoun's park. They're too cute not to share!
That park and the Tin Fish ice cream cones are the highlight for the kids! Oh, and the dogs they see walking around the lake. One of these days, if I can get up the nerve to do it, I totally want to bring my camera down there and get pictures of all the couples walking around. The variety of people is amazing and such a beautiful thing to see!
Confession for the night....I kind of, sort of, made an excuse to get out of visiting with my mom yesterday. She travelled down to stay with my sister and they decided to spend the day shopping. I wasn't feeling the greatest, but I probably could have sucked it up and gone. But...I can't deal with shopping with my mom! She complains constantly and never ends up buying much. She just points and things and say, "if I were 60 lbs less", "if I lost 40 lbs". For the benefit of keeping the harmony between us, I took the out. I'm pretty sure she wouldn't like it if I told her to get over the weight and just love herself as she is at the moment instead of whining about how things would be better if she lost weight. It's not magic, you know. You actually have to do the work to lose it! Anyway, sorry for the mini-rant! I still feel bad for not spending more time with her though...gotta learn not to feel guilty for so much!
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Here, there, and everywhere...a recap
I'm a bit scatter-brained tonight. Actually, I have been for a few days. You'll have to forgive me. I think we're in the midst of growth-spurt-hell at the moment. Lily's numbers have been plummetting for about a week. Especially at night, which means I get very little sleep. We go to the gym and I drop them off in the child care center. Pick them up two hours later and test her...she's been in the 40s. I've had to resort to giving her 15g of carbs for free each time. Can't dose her for her bedtime snack or we spend all evening trying to keep her bgs up. And I've had to set her pump on a temporary basal for overnight. I've found that even with an 80% basal, she's dropping 50-100 by the time she wakes up in the morning. Funny cause I used to tell people..."at least she was diagnosed young and will never know any different." Yeah, not so much. They know different. And instead of being able to go through all her growth spurts without the added complications of diabetes, growth spurts have the potential to become fatal! Life with diabetes is never dull!
Anyway, just thought I'd give a bit of a recap of my last week to update on a few things. I had my appointment with the urologist. Oh, how fun was that! Picture this....you're lying on an exam table with stirrups and all and you have not one, not two, but three (seriously, three!) doctors examining you and asking you to cough, sneeze, bear-down, in attempts to get you to "leak". Yup. Good times. But I did walk away with a course of action. I'm going to devote myself whole-heartedly to physical therapy with a sports medicine clinic in an effort to avoid surgery or other invasive actions. Because the three doctors incident was invasive enough for my tastes!
I did it. I volunteered for JDRF. They had an email out about a month or so ago. Asking for applications for mentors and mentioning that they specifically needed mentors who were comfortable talking to parents of newly diagnosed infants and toddlers. So, I filled in the info and sent it in. And then had to go to a training session. It was actually kind of nice. I got to meet a few other people with diabetes, one who was diagnosed later and is currently comtemplating pregnancy. And I met another T1-mom with a T1-child! Now I just need to wait for them to send me the names of people who want to be contacted by a mentor. Kind of nice to be doing something though. I think I've been feeling a lack of usefulness to the d-communtiy since Lily's diagnosis. I just don't want parents to have to go through that loneliness and devastation that a diabetes diagnosis brings in the beginning. At least, not without a little support and a shoulder to cry on!
Okay...fitness, weight-loss, and all that. Things have changed again. I've dropped off on the strength-training lately. Actually, I shouldn't call it dropping off. I suppose it's more of a scaling back. I've decided to do strength-training every other week instead of twice a week. And I actually kind of like it this way. I'm concentrating more on controlling the weight on the machine instead of just increasing the weight. I increase when I'm ready to, but for the most part, it seems to do my muscles more good if I concentrate on training safely and not just trying to push myself to do more. And I'm finding that I actually like that little bit of achy-soreness that comes from lifting weights this way! On the weeks that I'm not strengthening, I'm concentrating on those high-intensity cardio workouts. I've beeing doing the "sprint-training" where I do 90 seconds of a slower pace followed by 30 seconds of fast-enough-to-give-me-a-heart-attack. I'm finding it's actually really effective in pulling my tummy in and making me feel so much better about my body! I'm still focusing on my icky, blubbery spots more than I should, but at least my body is capable of so much more! I've come to a realization about my weight-loss though....I'm thinking I need to focus a whole lot of energy on my diet. Blach! I don't want to though! I have a horrible sweet tooth (I blame my mom...it was all that stealing my Halloween candy stuff when I was a kid). I think I need to give up the treats that I indulge in far too often. Right now, I have a container of Caramel Nut Chocolate Clusters on the counter. They need to go. Each one has 110 calories! Not saying I can't indulge a teeny tiny bit...but, I've been indulging way too much! I need to cut it back by a lot, add in more lean protein, and a whole lot of fresh vegetables. It's going to be a struggle. But I need to do it if I want to see any kind of loss from here on out!
Okay, one last thing before I sign off for the night...my confession for the post! Here it is....I took the kids to a local, small meat-and-produce shop the other day. After shopping, I put the kids in the car, loaded the groceries in. And forgot that the cart was pushed up against the front of my car. Backed out of my spot and the cart when zooming across the parking lot and crashed into the cart of another shopper. Luckily it didn't hit her. But...I should have stopped and gotten out and apologized. I felt horrible! But I didn't. I just headed home. And now, I still feel horrible! Sometimes, it's just better to do the polite and right thing immediately! I need to keep that in mind.
Anyway, just thought I'd give a bit of a recap of my last week to update on a few things. I had my appointment with the urologist. Oh, how fun was that! Picture this....you're lying on an exam table with stirrups and all and you have not one, not two, but three (seriously, three!) doctors examining you and asking you to cough, sneeze, bear-down, in attempts to get you to "leak". Yup. Good times. But I did walk away with a course of action. I'm going to devote myself whole-heartedly to physical therapy with a sports medicine clinic in an effort to avoid surgery or other invasive actions. Because the three doctors incident was invasive enough for my tastes!
I did it. I volunteered for JDRF. They had an email out about a month or so ago. Asking for applications for mentors and mentioning that they specifically needed mentors who were comfortable talking to parents of newly diagnosed infants and toddlers. So, I filled in the info and sent it in. And then had to go to a training session. It was actually kind of nice. I got to meet a few other people with diabetes, one who was diagnosed later and is currently comtemplating pregnancy. And I met another T1-mom with a T1-child! Now I just need to wait for them to send me the names of people who want to be contacted by a mentor. Kind of nice to be doing something though. I think I've been feeling a lack of usefulness to the d-communtiy since Lily's diagnosis. I just don't want parents to have to go through that loneliness and devastation that a diabetes diagnosis brings in the beginning. At least, not without a little support and a shoulder to cry on!
Okay...fitness, weight-loss, and all that. Things have changed again. I've dropped off on the strength-training lately. Actually, I shouldn't call it dropping off. I suppose it's more of a scaling back. I've decided to do strength-training every other week instead of twice a week. And I actually kind of like it this way. I'm concentrating more on controlling the weight on the machine instead of just increasing the weight. I increase when I'm ready to, but for the most part, it seems to do my muscles more good if I concentrate on training safely and not just trying to push myself to do more. And I'm finding that I actually like that little bit of achy-soreness that comes from lifting weights this way! On the weeks that I'm not strengthening, I'm concentrating on those high-intensity cardio workouts. I've beeing doing the "sprint-training" where I do 90 seconds of a slower pace followed by 30 seconds of fast-enough-to-give-me-a-heart-attack. I'm finding it's actually really effective in pulling my tummy in and making me feel so much better about my body! I'm still focusing on my icky, blubbery spots more than I should, but at least my body is capable of so much more! I've come to a realization about my weight-loss though....I'm thinking I need to focus a whole lot of energy on my diet. Blach! I don't want to though! I have a horrible sweet tooth (I blame my mom...it was all that stealing my Halloween candy stuff when I was a kid). I think I need to give up the treats that I indulge in far too often. Right now, I have a container of Caramel Nut Chocolate Clusters on the counter. They need to go. Each one has 110 calories! Not saying I can't indulge a teeny tiny bit...but, I've been indulging way too much! I need to cut it back by a lot, add in more lean protein, and a whole lot of fresh vegetables. It's going to be a struggle. But I need to do it if I want to see any kind of loss from here on out!
Okay, one last thing before I sign off for the night...my confession for the post! Here it is....I took the kids to a local, small meat-and-produce shop the other day. After shopping, I put the kids in the car, loaded the groceries in. And forgot that the cart was pushed up against the front of my car. Backed out of my spot and the cart when zooming across the parking lot and crashed into the cart of another shopper. Luckily it didn't hit her. But...I should have stopped and gotten out and apologized. I felt horrible! But I didn't. I just headed home. And now, I still feel horrible! Sometimes, it's just better to do the polite and right thing immediately! I need to keep that in mind.
Monday, July 11, 2011
New gadgets and new struggles...
Reyna was totally right on about how going home messes with you! My husband and I only make the trip back twice a year, even though it's only a 5 hour drive away. But I'm not a fan of going back. It's a small town and the favorite pastime is gossip. I've never been all that comfortable with gossip and am pretty fearful of being gossipped about. Funny how returning to your hometown can make you feel like you're right back in grade school again! Thanks, everyone, who commented on my last post and understand where I was coming from. It's not that I think adultery is okay, because it's very much not. But...no one knows what happens behind closed doors and when someone is in the end of their days, none of their time should be tainted by the hostilities and judgements of others. Those days are just too precious!
On to better things...I have a new toy! I'm so incredibly happy with it. I've been going back and forth about getting a heart rate monitor. All the personal trainers rave about how useful they are. Everyone I know who has undertaken weight loss has said how useful they are. But, they're expensive! Seriously, if you want to get one that's good and going to last you, I've been told you have to pay at least $100. So, I ruled out getting one. Until I came across an incredible deal on Amazon. If you're interested in getting one, click on that and it'll take you straight to the deal I got...a Garmin Forerunner 305. They're usually $300, but because there's a newer model of it out, Amazon is unloading the old ones for $130 or so. Fantastic deal! I programmed mine this morning and wore it for my workout today. It has a chest strap with the sensors that was actually pretty comfortable. I can see how wearing it for a long time would cause some chaffing, but I worked out for 58 minutes (burned 680 calories!) and didn't have any problems. I was able to keep an eye on my heart rate the entire time and held my pace to keep in the 130-140 bpm range. Love it and highly recommend it!
Oh, my new struggles....this whole meditation thing is so much harder than I thought it would be! I have a hard time focusing on just being still and quiet, pushing the thoughts out of my mind and just being. It's not as easy as it sounds, is it? I've splurged on a new iPod for myself and added in the Best of Enya album. I'm hoping the soothing music will help give me something to focus on. The other struggle with it is just finding a good time for it. I'm having some serious problems with that! I started out doing meditation at night, after my children and husband are in bed so I won't be interupted. Sounds like a good time, right? Except for one thing...if I do the meditation right, my mind is so refreshed from it that I can't sleep! All. Night. Long. Oh, I hate not being able to sleep! I'm trying to figure out how to do it earlier in the day. Maybe add it in during my time at the gym, if I can just find a good, quiet place to do it there! If not, I'm going to have to start making my husband do some alone time with the kids as soon as he gets home from work! But I will get it done! I need to get my energy and intelligence back! I read an article recently about how parts of our brains randomly go to sleep on us when we're sleep-deprived. It's no wonder I seem like a blubbering lunatic sometimes!
Okay...one more thing to leave you with! I'm adding something to my posts. Fun things, really. This is just a fun way for all of you to learn a little bit more about me and I think it just might be a bit cathartic for me as well. I'm going to give you all a confession at the end of my posts! I'll confess a flaw of mine, something that you might not know about me. Maybe it'll be something that happened that day, something I did, or something that I see as an issue for me. Fun stuff! Because, really, we all want to know the dirt on people, don't we? So, my confession for tonight....I judge people at the gym when they don't wipe down the equipment they've used. Seriously, I know it's a huge problem for me. I'm completely grossed out when someone works out on a machine, even if it's just for a few minutes, and then walks away without sanitizing it. You just sweated all over that thing and you're not even going to wipe it down? Ick!
On to better things...I have a new toy! I'm so incredibly happy with it. I've been going back and forth about getting a heart rate monitor. All the personal trainers rave about how useful they are. Everyone I know who has undertaken weight loss has said how useful they are. But, they're expensive! Seriously, if you want to get one that's good and going to last you, I've been told you have to pay at least $100. So, I ruled out getting one. Until I came across an incredible deal on Amazon. If you're interested in getting one, click on that and it'll take you straight to the deal I got...a Garmin Forerunner 305. They're usually $300, but because there's a newer model of it out, Amazon is unloading the old ones for $130 or so. Fantastic deal! I programmed mine this morning and wore it for my workout today. It has a chest strap with the sensors that was actually pretty comfortable. I can see how wearing it for a long time would cause some chaffing, but I worked out for 58 minutes (burned 680 calories!) and didn't have any problems. I was able to keep an eye on my heart rate the entire time and held my pace to keep in the 130-140 bpm range. Love it and highly recommend it!
Oh, my new struggles....this whole meditation thing is so much harder than I thought it would be! I have a hard time focusing on just being still and quiet, pushing the thoughts out of my mind and just being. It's not as easy as it sounds, is it? I've splurged on a new iPod for myself and added in the Best of Enya album. I'm hoping the soothing music will help give me something to focus on. The other struggle with it is just finding a good time for it. I'm having some serious problems with that! I started out doing meditation at night, after my children and husband are in bed so I won't be interupted. Sounds like a good time, right? Except for one thing...if I do the meditation right, my mind is so refreshed from it that I can't sleep! All. Night. Long. Oh, I hate not being able to sleep! I'm trying to figure out how to do it earlier in the day. Maybe add it in during my time at the gym, if I can just find a good, quiet place to do it there! If not, I'm going to have to start making my husband do some alone time with the kids as soon as he gets home from work! But I will get it done! I need to get my energy and intelligence back! I read an article recently about how parts of our brains randomly go to sleep on us when we're sleep-deprived. It's no wonder I seem like a blubbering lunatic sometimes!
Okay...one more thing to leave you with! I'm adding something to my posts. Fun things, really. This is just a fun way for all of you to learn a little bit more about me and I think it just might be a bit cathartic for me as well. I'm going to give you all a confession at the end of my posts! I'll confess a flaw of mine, something that you might not know about me. Maybe it'll be something that happened that day, something I did, or something that I see as an issue for me. Fun stuff! Because, really, we all want to know the dirt on people, don't we? So, my confession for tonight....I judge people at the gym when they don't wipe down the equipment they've used. Seriously, I know it's a huge problem for me. I'm completely grossed out when someone works out on a machine, even if it's just for a few minutes, and then walks away without sanitizing it. You just sweated all over that thing and you're not even going to wipe it down? Ick!
And...no post would be complete without a picture of my goofy little children! Love them!
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Going home
The Fourth of July is one of my favorite holidays to spend in my hometown. There, it's like people forget for a day that we're grown-ups with irreconcilable differences. We all act like children. The holiday is celebrated the same way today as it was when I was a kid. There's a parade down the main drag and booths set up in the park. The line for fresh, hot, corn dogs is long, but people wait anyway. It's tradition. There've been a few years when we haven't been able to make the trip up for the holiday, but we really try to make a point of making it up for that specific holiday. Any other, we can take it or leave it. But the Fourth of July is special up there. And this year, it's our one family vacation! We (and by "we", I mean "I") packed the bags and loaded the car. We ran into a small snag when we discovered that our portable dvd player no longer worked. But we remedied that by stopping halfway up to purchase a new one (with 2 separate screens even! Leo was in HEAVEN! He enjoyed watching Pingu so much more than just looking at the case and hearing the sounds like he did when he was still riding backwards...).
For me, there's a little bit of bittersweetness involved in going home. Things don't change much up there. It's a small town. I see a few people I graduated high school with at the park. We spend our time mostly with my family and trying to get a little downtime at the hotel (yay for indoor swimming pools!). That downtime is incredibly precious to us. Mostly because a visit to my family rarely comes without some kind of drama. And this time was no different. Only the drama this time has me feeling a bit more melancholy than usually...it's a little more bitter than sweet this time. Forgive me for venting about it here, just a bit. This time, the drama revolves around my Grandma and her husband and involves a differing of opinions between myself and my mom and a sister. It's complicated....
My grandma Lilly has always been a big part of my family. When my mom was younger and kept leaving her first abusive husband, my grandma was always there for her. When there were financial troubles, grandma was there to help. We spent time with her on weekends, often helping her at the laundromat and then being treated to ice cream afterwards. Even before all of this, my grandma was a spunky lady. There are a lot of family legends/rumors surrounding her. My grandma was born in Arkansas and raised in Missouri. First major rumor....that she married too young and it was declared invalid because of her age. Second one...married a thief and testified against him in order to save herself. There's some question about whether or not she actually divorced. Third marriage was to an abusive man who caused her to miscarry at five months along. Fourth marriage was my grandfather. They had five children together before splitting up. And fifth marriage to her current husband, J. They've been married for almost 30 years now, I believe. Obviously, my grandma is important to me. I named my baby girl after her (minus the extra "l"). But here's the thing....my grandma has been deteriorating slowly due to Alzheimers. It started about 10 years ago or so. She started forgetting simple things. The first Christmas my husband spent with my family (when we were still just dating), my grandma invited him to come out and pick strawberries from her garden the next day. In December. In northern Minnesota. Simple things. And then...it got worse. Grandma started wandering. She forgot to put on her clothing before heading outside. She was found miles from home and thought she was meeting someone who would take her back to Missouri. And then she got combative and lashed out at people. Slowly, slowly, she deteriorated. By the time my Lily was born, she could barely walk and couldn't talk anymore. She made noises, but nothing understandable. We actually managed to get a picture of her holding Lily, looking down at her and smiling just slightly. I wish I could share it with you all, but right now, it's on a different computer!
The funny thing about Alzheimers....it's never predictable. I know, it sounds like another disease we all know too well! Sometimes, a person can go years without losing ground. Sometimes, it's like they're been sent down a steep hill in a barrel, rolling down faster than you could imagine. Shortly after Lily was born, my grandmother lost the ability to get around. Her husband had an accident and wasn't able to help her the way she needed. He caved to the pressure and finally agreed to put her into a private nursing home with a fantastic reputation, excellent facilities, and some special accomodations that we were sure grandma would enjoy. J intended for it to be temporary, thinking that once he recovered, he'd be able to take care of her himself again. Unfortunately, aging doesn't make recovering easy. And it certainly doesn't happen the same way it did when you were young...you're never quite the same again. For the past four years, grandma has been in the nursing home. She's got a window that looks out into the forest so she can watch the birds, one of her favorite past-times. J visits her every day, without fail. He's there for her. He's cared for her and done as much as he possibly could to make her comfortable, to talk to her, to make sure she's never lonely and gets all the care she needs. It's been incredible to see, to be honest. It's obvious that he has loved her and has been devoted to her.
Here's where the drama comes in....my hometown is a small, small town. Rumors fly, people make snap judgements and decide what they want to think happens behind closed doors. In the past few months, J has spent some time with a single widow from his church. I don't know the details. No one really does, I think. I don't know if they've visited behind closed doors, in each other's homes, or just met for coffee or a meal here and there. But the rumor mill is going and you can imagine what it's saying. For me, I couldn't care less. If J has found some small amount of happiness and companionship with someone who can offer him support, I don't feel it's my place to judge, no matter what might be happening behind those closed doors. It's their business, not mine. And I don't believe my grandma is capable of minding either. I have a hard time seeing who they could possibly be hurting. My mother and sister...have a very different opinion. And my mom expresses it freely. She admitted to telling my grandma that she had to outlive J. "Hang on until he's gone because you have to outlive him." It hurts me to hear that. To hear that my mom is spreading bitterness and using the time she spends with grandma to try to reach into her mind in the name of spite....it breaks my heart a little bit. My mom has stated several times that the life my grandma is living right now currently has little or no value. But yet she's so determined that my grandma should outlive her husband? My grandma should suffer longer because of spite? It just seems so wrong to me. I'm not saying I want my grandma to die early. But whatever God has planned for the rest of her days, they should be filled with the loving touch of her husband, children, and grandchildren. They shouldn't be filled with spiteful words whispered into her ear. Fidelity is definitely something to be valued and cherished and strived for, but none of us can judge the fidelity of another. We don't know. And here's the real thing that gets me...I have the urge to ask my mother and sister just who they think they are to judge the fidelity of another person? My youngest sister is the product of an affair my mom had while married to her second husband. And my sister's marriage ended after she confessed to a one-night-stand. Why is it so easy for them to forget their own sins and judge so unfairly the sins of another?
Okay...I need to end there. Getting it out doesn't seem to be helping much. I just feel powerless in the situation and I think that's what's bothering me. I want my grandma's end-times to be filled with beauty and peace and love. She wasn't a perfect woman, but she was special to me and she deserves all that. And just so I don't leave you with a bitter after-taste from reading my post, I've got a picture of my grandma with my children and me and a news article about her husband that you all might enjoy:
For me, there's a little bit of bittersweetness involved in going home. Things don't change much up there. It's a small town. I see a few people I graduated high school with at the park. We spend our time mostly with my family and trying to get a little downtime at the hotel (yay for indoor swimming pools!). That downtime is incredibly precious to us. Mostly because a visit to my family rarely comes without some kind of drama. And this time was no different. Only the drama this time has me feeling a bit more melancholy than usually...it's a little more bitter than sweet this time. Forgive me for venting about it here, just a bit. This time, the drama revolves around my Grandma and her husband and involves a differing of opinions between myself and my mom and a sister. It's complicated....
My grandma Lilly has always been a big part of my family. When my mom was younger and kept leaving her first abusive husband, my grandma was always there for her. When there were financial troubles, grandma was there to help. We spent time with her on weekends, often helping her at the laundromat and then being treated to ice cream afterwards. Even before all of this, my grandma was a spunky lady. There are a lot of family legends/rumors surrounding her. My grandma was born in Arkansas and raised in Missouri. First major rumor....that she married too young and it was declared invalid because of her age. Second one...married a thief and testified against him in order to save herself. There's some question about whether or not she actually divorced. Third marriage was to an abusive man who caused her to miscarry at five months along. Fourth marriage was my grandfather. They had five children together before splitting up. And fifth marriage to her current husband, J. They've been married for almost 30 years now, I believe. Obviously, my grandma is important to me. I named my baby girl after her (minus the extra "l"). But here's the thing....my grandma has been deteriorating slowly due to Alzheimers. It started about 10 years ago or so. She started forgetting simple things. The first Christmas my husband spent with my family (when we were still just dating), my grandma invited him to come out and pick strawberries from her garden the next day. In December. In northern Minnesota. Simple things. And then...it got worse. Grandma started wandering. She forgot to put on her clothing before heading outside. She was found miles from home and thought she was meeting someone who would take her back to Missouri. And then she got combative and lashed out at people. Slowly, slowly, she deteriorated. By the time my Lily was born, she could barely walk and couldn't talk anymore. She made noises, but nothing understandable. We actually managed to get a picture of her holding Lily, looking down at her and smiling just slightly. I wish I could share it with you all, but right now, it's on a different computer!
The funny thing about Alzheimers....it's never predictable. I know, it sounds like another disease we all know too well! Sometimes, a person can go years without losing ground. Sometimes, it's like they're been sent down a steep hill in a barrel, rolling down faster than you could imagine. Shortly after Lily was born, my grandmother lost the ability to get around. Her husband had an accident and wasn't able to help her the way she needed. He caved to the pressure and finally agreed to put her into a private nursing home with a fantastic reputation, excellent facilities, and some special accomodations that we were sure grandma would enjoy. J intended for it to be temporary, thinking that once he recovered, he'd be able to take care of her himself again. Unfortunately, aging doesn't make recovering easy. And it certainly doesn't happen the same way it did when you were young...you're never quite the same again. For the past four years, grandma has been in the nursing home. She's got a window that looks out into the forest so she can watch the birds, one of her favorite past-times. J visits her every day, without fail. He's there for her. He's cared for her and done as much as he possibly could to make her comfortable, to talk to her, to make sure she's never lonely and gets all the care she needs. It's been incredible to see, to be honest. It's obvious that he has loved her and has been devoted to her.
Here's where the drama comes in....my hometown is a small, small town. Rumors fly, people make snap judgements and decide what they want to think happens behind closed doors. In the past few months, J has spent some time with a single widow from his church. I don't know the details. No one really does, I think. I don't know if they've visited behind closed doors, in each other's homes, or just met for coffee or a meal here and there. But the rumor mill is going and you can imagine what it's saying. For me, I couldn't care less. If J has found some small amount of happiness and companionship with someone who can offer him support, I don't feel it's my place to judge, no matter what might be happening behind those closed doors. It's their business, not mine. And I don't believe my grandma is capable of minding either. I have a hard time seeing who they could possibly be hurting. My mother and sister...have a very different opinion. And my mom expresses it freely. She admitted to telling my grandma that she had to outlive J. "Hang on until he's gone because you have to outlive him." It hurts me to hear that. To hear that my mom is spreading bitterness and using the time she spends with grandma to try to reach into her mind in the name of spite....it breaks my heart a little bit. My mom has stated several times that the life my grandma is living right now currently has little or no value. But yet she's so determined that my grandma should outlive her husband? My grandma should suffer longer because of spite? It just seems so wrong to me. I'm not saying I want my grandma to die early. But whatever God has planned for the rest of her days, they should be filled with the loving touch of her husband, children, and grandchildren. They shouldn't be filled with spiteful words whispered into her ear. Fidelity is definitely something to be valued and cherished and strived for, but none of us can judge the fidelity of another. We don't know. And here's the real thing that gets me...I have the urge to ask my mother and sister just who they think they are to judge the fidelity of another person? My youngest sister is the product of an affair my mom had while married to her second husband. And my sister's marriage ended after she confessed to a one-night-stand. Why is it so easy for them to forget their own sins and judge so unfairly the sins of another?
Okay...I need to end there. Getting it out doesn't seem to be helping much. I just feel powerless in the situation and I think that's what's bothering me. I want my grandma's end-times to be filled with beauty and peace and love. She wasn't a perfect woman, but she was special to me and she deserves all that. And just so I don't leave you with a bitter after-taste from reading my post, I've got a picture of my grandma with my children and me and a news article about her husband that you all might enjoy:
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)