I've been thinking about this post for a while and I'm still not quite sure how to present it. If it rambles a bit, please bear with me!
I have a new perspective on something. It's been slowly developing as I've read all of the different blogs and as I've spent more time with one of my older sisters. I have four older sisters. I could tell you a bit about each of them, but right now, I want to concentrate on D. D is the second oldest. She's the quietest of us and from what I can tell, the most sensitive of us as well. She's the most easily hurt, the quickest to laugh, the quickest to cry, the quickest to help. D was the first of us to be diagnosed with Type I Diabetes. She was the first to marry. She's the smartest of us. I used to think what a waste it was that she didn't complete her college degree. She went off to college, but ended up in 2 car accidents during the same weekend trip home. It's no wonder she didn't return. She stayed home and settled down, got married and had a baby. Her oldest son is 16. She has three more, the oldest is 7 years younger than the first. His younger brother was born 18 months after him. And his youngest brother was 18 months after the third.
Here's where my new perspective comes in....I used to actually feel sorry for my sister! I can't believe now how ignorant and wrong I was to feel sorry for her for having her four boys. Don't get me wrong...they're a handful! They have some serious energy! They're rambunctious and loud and constantly moving and I'm sure they make my sister question her sanity on a regular basis. But here's the thing that I'm starting to realize as I spend more time with her and her boys...each one of those boys sees the sun and moon behind his mother. They each adore her in their own special way. Each one sees something different from what the other three see. Each one feeds a part of my sister's soul that needed to be fed. Each one feeds her confidence in herself and makes her feel loved and adored in very different ways. Remember when I said my sister was sensitive? She NEEDS what those boys give her.
Does that family dynamic remind you of anyone in the DOC? Meri's blog is one of the very first that I found after Lily was diagnosed. I immediately felt a connection to her because of the similarities between her and my sister. I don't know Meri IRL so I don't know if those similarities are mostly superficial, but I do know that they both have these incredible bonds with each one of their boys. And reading about those bonds in Meri's blogs and seeing those bonds while visiting my sister is all part of the new perspective I have. I no longer feel sorry for women with all boys....I've come to the new view that these women are phenomenal! They are so incredibly blessed! And that has led me to the perspective that God gives us exactly what we need! I don't know if Meri deals with the same sensitivity and insecurities that my sister does, but I know that God gave these two women each their four boys for very special and very specific reasons. And that has led me to think about my own children and how God intended for them to be mine....
I don't believe that God chooses how many children we should have or that he chooses who should and shouldn't have children. I don't believe fertility is a gift from God or that disease is a curse from God. But...I do believe that God sent me the specific children that I have and that they are mine for very definite reasons. I don't blame God for Lily being diabetic. Or for my own diabetes. But, I do believe that Lily being diabetic has made me a better person and has enriched my life. I would not be as active and healthy as I now am if Lily hadn't been diagnosed. Lily is an amazing, intelligent, beautiful girl. She's not the gentlest of children and I think that inspires me to show my kindness and consideration for others to a much more pronounced degree so that Lily can see it and witness it and hopefully follow my lead. Lily being diabetic makes me want to take better care of myself and be a better role model for her. And then there's Leo....Leo is definitely my gift from God! I have a problem with affection. I'm very reserved with friends and most of my family. But...I crave physical affection like it's my own personal version of crack! My poor husband! In the 11 years since we met, he's never been able to figure out just how much affection is enough for me. I'm beyond hyper-affectionate with him. And with Lily. And with Leo. I want to hug and kiss and cuddle and snuggle and love them every second of every day. Lily is like her daddy. She wants her space! She'll hug and kiss when she feels like it, but for the most part, she just wants her space. But, she is vocal about her affection. She's quick to tell me that she loves me. Tonight, she told my husband that she's Mommy's Lily, but Daddy's Girl. Oh, I love her! Leo though...he's not into having his own space and he's quick to invade yours! Leo is my little snuggle-bug. In the mornings, he crawls into my lap to sit there while I drink my coffee and check email. If he gets a bump or boo-boo, he needs a "hug-kiss". He wants to be cuddled as he falls asleep at night. In the middle of the night, he snuggles into me and sleeps soundly most of the time. He won't go for more than an couple of hours without a hug and a kiss from mom. He feeds my soul! He makes me laugh and giggle and he curls up into me and my heart just bursts with the joy of it! God has definitely blessed me with the two children that I was meant to have, the two children who feed the parts of me that need fed!
So....a huge "Thank you" to both my amazing sister and to the wonderful Meri for sharing their families with us and for helping to bring me to my new perspective! Did I have a point in sharing this with you? Not especially. I don't think I had one when I started writing. But, I would like to think that maybe this will inspire each of you to give your children a good look. Whether you believe in God or not, look at each of your babies and ask yourself....why is this child mine and what part of me does he or she feed? You just might be amazed by the answers!