Seriously, gotta say this before I start on tonight's post....you ladies are so incredibly amazing and wonderful! I was so nervous about posting about my problems with depression and PPD and all of the emotional baggage that I've been left with, even after accepting help and medication for it. You have no idea how much it means to mean to read the supportive words, the admissions of dealing with PPD as well and experiencing similar things. Meri, you're so right about it being more common than we seem to think it is. It's a sad thing that so many people go through it and believe themselves to be alone! I have to tell all of you, the post was inspired by something that our marriage counselor and I talked about....the difference between shame and guilt. Shame is a destructive emotion. It convinces us that we have to hide whatever it is that we're ashamed of and leaves no room for correction or acceptance. Guilt, on the other hand, inspires us to be better, to make more of an effort, to change so that we won't be stuck hiding anymore. By posting about my depression and PPD, I'm trying to get rid of the shame so I can work on making myself a better mom, a better wife, and a better person. Thank you so much to all of you for allowing me to do that and for being here to support! I only hope I can do the same for all of you!
Exercise update....I'm still going strong! I've fallen into a pattern of going to the gym for 3 days in a row and then taking one day off. I tend to start feeling a bit run-down and tired by the time that day off comes around. My husband calls it a feeling of being "over-trained". For him, I think it is. He lifts weights in the hard-core, testosterone-zone of the gym (not the machine weights, but the ones with barbells and big round disks). For me, I think it's more a lack of sleep than being over-trained. Whatever it is, I'm starting to listen more to my body and what it's telling me to do. I haven't dropped any clothing sizes yet, but my clothes are fitting me better now. I came to a very important realization today: I don't want to be skinny! Really, I'm serious on this one! I have no desire to be "skinny". I've discovered that what I truly want is to be "athletic". I want that sleek look that athletes who run get. The strong, muscled legs with sleek muscles, not the ones with veins popping out because they're JUST THAT MUSCULAR. Think "panther" instead of "housecat". Oh...and the pregnant boob lady? You know how some women look like they've swallowed a basketball when they're pregnant because they don't put on weight anywhere but their belly? Well, Boob Lady looks like she swallowed a torpedo! Seriously! No fluff anywhere on that woman, but her belly has this pointed look to it. So funny to see!
Over-testing? Bet some of you think there's no such thing. But there is! Please understand that I'm only talking about my experiences with Lily's and my diabetes. Maybe this doesn't apply to others. But, in my mind and experience, over-testing is a serious hazard and something we should all be aware of. I'm going to explain what I mean and why it's a hazard. Last night, Lily had swimming lessons. Before her lesson, she was comfortably in the low 200s (217). I don't see this as a problem since she's going into the pool and I don't want to risk her going low while she's swimming. So, no correction. When she got out of the pool, I tested her right away. 472. What the heck and where did that come from? I wondered if maybe her infusion site had crapped out on us, so I waited to give her the correction until we could get home and get a new site in. Got home, tested her again...508. Yuck! Gave her the full correction and tried to get her to eat some protein for dinner. My husband tested her 30 minutes later, as he was getting her ready for bed. 492. Pump said to give her another 0.675. I backed it off to 0.4, thinking that I didn't want her to stay high, but didn't want her to drop low either. Tested an hour later....349. The pump said to give her more of a correction. I didn't. An hour later, she was 82. She tends to trend upwards at night, so I decided to give her a few more minutes and check again. Fifteen minutes later...65! Oh my! I hate waking her up to get her to drink enough juice, but it's what we have to do. So, half a cup of orange juice and back to sleep she goes. I, on the other hand, stayed up an extra hour longer, just to keep testing her and making sure she was stable and steady for the rest of the night.
So, here's the thing...the pump is not infallible! I know, horrifying fact, isn't it? Seriously though, here's the thing with the Insulin On Board (IOB) feature....everyone's body is different, everyone's metabolism is different. I know you can adjust on the pump how long insulin stays in your system. It's a great feature. But, that doesn't mean that we all metabolize insulin at a set, same rate. Lily and I both burn through our insulin in 3 hours. But, I know with my body, my insulin peaks at an hour and a half after bolusing. That means that the majority of my insulin has already done it's work if I test an hour and a half after a meal. Lily's body, on the other hand, seems to hit peak-point for her insulin closer to two-hours post-basal. But her pump doesn't know that! So it tells me to give her more insulin. On a normal day, I try to make sure I'm not testing her within that two-hours-post time. Unless she seems like she might be going low, I try really hard to not test. I do get caught by this mistake a lot though. Because it's very rare that we have a "normal" day. If she's running high and I want to make sure she's coming down, I tend to over-test. My husband over-tests all the time. We just want to try to make things perfect for our children, right? Can't help but over-test sometimes. But, we've had quite a few instances lately where we've over-tested. And then she drops low. And still has IOB. And we have to try to get sugar into her to absorb that extra insulin so she won't keep going low. It's so frustrating!
Anyway, I just wanted to share our experience with over-testing with all of you. I know how incredibly driven we all are to make things as good as we possibly can for our kids, to keep them within that magical "NORMAL" range so that they can feel their best and go about living active, happy lives. It's such a hard balancing act to keep!