Friday, September 10, 2010
Gushing....
You're all going to have to bear with me for a minute or two. I need to gush. I read all your comments. I treasure all your comments! Writing all that I have, there's been this little fear that it will change the way people think of me, that it won't be well-received. And then I come here and read what people write at the end of my posts. And I cry. I've never felt so wholly-accepted for who I am and all I've been through. Honestly, if you've read all of this, you know more about me than even my own family. And your support and encouragement have done so much to help me heal as I've written everything down and laid everything bare. You all rock! As d-moms, as friends, as human beings. It's amazing how friendships through the computer can become so much more meaningful, so much more incredible. For all the bad that diabetes brings, the bonds it helps us foster is a truly wonderful and amazing thing! Please don't ever under-estimate how meaningful your comments and friendships are to me!
Thursday, September 9, 2010
The wrap-up...
It's almost 7:30. My husband is at his friend's house for the Vikings game in HD, Leo has been asleep for almost half an hour, and Lily is in her bed, winding down and drifting off to sleep as well. So, I really can't find another reason to procrastinate writing a wrap-up to my diabetes journey. I'd like to find a reason, but I can't. So, here we go....
Adult life with diabetes. I'm not really sure where to start with this one. College life with diabetes is hell. Stress and anxiety play some major games with your blood sugars. So does sleep-deprivation. And not eating well. Which just about sums up college life. Except for the big A, of course. What would college life be without some partying? One of the benefits of growing up on the American-Canadian border in the pre-passport-requirement days is that I got my drinking days out of my system early. And to be honest, I never was much of a drinker. I'd go across the border with my friends as soon as I turned 19. More often than not, I ended up the DD. But, on those rare occasions when I have indulged in too much alcohol, the result was never pretty. There's this thing that happens with your blood sugars when you drink. The sugar in the alcohol makes your blood sugar spike, so you take insulin for it. And then the alcohol evaporates from your system, taking the sugar with it, and you plummet. On a rare night, I'll have a drink or two, but I limit myself to no more than two and very rarely drink anything other than a wine cooler or hard lemonade. I'm just not much of a drinker.
Pregnancy and diabetes....I'm sure there are plenty of you who've had to deal with gestational diabetes and might be able to relate to this a little bit. I took excellent care of myself during pregnancy. My A1Cs were always in the 5-6.7 range. Never higher than that. Between my two diabetic sisters and me, there are 9 perfectly healthy children. Pregnancy isn't easy, even without diabetes. It was hell for me. There just wasn't much about it that I enjoyed. It may have been a little different if my husband had been the doting sort. But he's not. The last Christmas before children, I had convinced myself that it would be special because I was pregnant with our daughter. We decided to limit ourselves to one gift for each other and save the rest of our money for preparing for the baby. My husband gave me one really shiny gift....stainless steel canisters for our kitchen. Not quite what I had been imagining! Honestly, pregnancy probably wouldn't have been that awful if it hadn't been for my doctor. The first time, I went with an OB resident. I figured the less knowledge she had, the less she'd freak out on me. Which was true for the most part. But at the end of pregnancy, I had weekly ultrasounds to keep track of Lily's development and weight. The u/s tech kept telling me that my baby was going to be at least 9 lbs at birth. Lily weighed in at a whopping 7 lbs 9 oz. Not even close! The second pregnancy, my doctor was nearing the end of her residency. I'm honestly not sure where her concerns and comments at the end of my second pregnancy came from, but at one point, I was having problems with my fasting glucoses in the morning (they were running around 140-150). She told me she was afraid I was going to have a stillborn baby if I didn't get them back under control. And then the weekly ultrasounds started and she started talking about scheduling a c-section because she was afraid the baby would be too big. Two weeks before I had Leo, the u/s tech gave his weight as 8 lbs 4 oz. I chose to have an amniocentesis done at 38 weeks to check on Leo's lung maturity so that they could induce me early and avoid the c-section. Leo weighed 8 lbs 6 oz at birth. I've learned not to trust the doctors when it comes to weight estimates for the babies of diabetic moms. They freak out and over-estimate, just to be on the safe side. My labor was induced for both pregnancies, as it was for all of my two diabetic sisters' pregnancies. That's just the way it is when you're diabetic. I do not believe diabetes or the risk of a child developing diabetes should ever prevent anyone from having a child though. Children are precious in every way.
Now we come to the part I'm not really eager to talk about. Keep in mind as you're reading this that my story is not your child's story and what has been true for me and for many diabetics may not be true for your child. It's a medically proven fact that diabetics have a higher incidence of chronic depression. I have my own theories on this. I mean, considering the daily life that a diabetic person leads, is it any wonder that they have a higher risk of depression? I've dealt with chronic depression since I was a teenager. Before having children, I tried a few anti-depressants and I never stayed on them. For whatever reasons, the medication would work for a while and then not work any longer. So I'd stop. And I stopped completely when we decided to start a family. After Lily, I suffered horribly from postpartum depression, but never sought treatment for it. I used breastfeeding as an excuse to not medicate. By the time I was done with my pregnancy with Leo (he's exactly 20 months younger than Lily), I knew I couldn't get through without medication. After a lot of tweaking, I've finally found a medication that works. During the tweaking, I had to go off a medication that was causing an allergic reaction. It was during that cold-turkey time that the doctors came up with a new diagnosis for me. I'd lay in bed at night, unable to sleep, worrying that an ax-murderer was going to come in and hurt my entire family. It was awful! And it makes me sound like I'm a complete nut-case, although I think this may be more common than we realize. The doctors actually came up with a name for it. Phobia-inducing anxiety. After all that, I've come to the conclusion that I will never allow myself to stop medication again. It's just too hard to deal with that and with my own diabetes and my child's diabetes.
Like I said, this may not be the case for your child. Keep in mind that my story isn't just shaped by diabetes. It's also due heavily to growing up feeling completely alone and isolated within my own family. It's from being a child of an alcoholic and abusive environment. Being diabetic has only been a part of the puzzle. The lack of a support system is a bigger part. And chances are, if you're reading my blog in the hopes of understanding how a diabetic grows up and thinks and develops, then you're providing your child with an excellent support system. Your children will grow up, knowing that they are loved and cherished and that their mom or dad sacrificed sleep, health, and so many other things in order to take the best care of them. You have no idea how much of a difference that will make in your child's life and their care of their own condition. I'm sure they'll have their moments of rebellion, of anger and frustration, but when it comes down to it, the most powerful tool you have for convincing them to care for themselves is your love and the self-worth your love will give them.
And that's about where the journey ends. I have all the reason in the world to take care of myself now. I try really hard. I never thought I'd pass diabetes on to one of my children. My seven nieces and nephews from my two diabetic sisters are all normal. I have 18 nieces and nephews in all and not a one has shown any signs of diabetes. Until my daughter. Lily's diagnosis broke my heart in a way that nothing else could. But it's not the end of the world. I do worry that she'll be reluctant to have children of her own for fear of passing diabetes on to a new generation, but I really hope to be there to convince her that it's worth the risk. And my greatest fear....is that I won't be here long enough to watch my children grow, that I'll leave them too soon. That is the best motivator of all!
I'll post sometime in the next couple of days about the mail exchange. And it'll definitely be for d- and non-d-kids!
Adult life with diabetes. I'm not really sure where to start with this one. College life with diabetes is hell. Stress and anxiety play some major games with your blood sugars. So does sleep-deprivation. And not eating well. Which just about sums up college life. Except for the big A, of course. What would college life be without some partying? One of the benefits of growing up on the American-Canadian border in the pre-passport-requirement days is that I got my drinking days out of my system early. And to be honest, I never was much of a drinker. I'd go across the border with my friends as soon as I turned 19. More often than not, I ended up the DD. But, on those rare occasions when I have indulged in too much alcohol, the result was never pretty. There's this thing that happens with your blood sugars when you drink. The sugar in the alcohol makes your blood sugar spike, so you take insulin for it. And then the alcohol evaporates from your system, taking the sugar with it, and you plummet. On a rare night, I'll have a drink or two, but I limit myself to no more than two and very rarely drink anything other than a wine cooler or hard lemonade. I'm just not much of a drinker.
Pregnancy and diabetes....I'm sure there are plenty of you who've had to deal with gestational diabetes and might be able to relate to this a little bit. I took excellent care of myself during pregnancy. My A1Cs were always in the 5-6.7 range. Never higher than that. Between my two diabetic sisters and me, there are 9 perfectly healthy children. Pregnancy isn't easy, even without diabetes. It was hell for me. There just wasn't much about it that I enjoyed. It may have been a little different if my husband had been the doting sort. But he's not. The last Christmas before children, I had convinced myself that it would be special because I was pregnant with our daughter. We decided to limit ourselves to one gift for each other and save the rest of our money for preparing for the baby. My husband gave me one really shiny gift....stainless steel canisters for our kitchen. Not quite what I had been imagining! Honestly, pregnancy probably wouldn't have been that awful if it hadn't been for my doctor. The first time, I went with an OB resident. I figured the less knowledge she had, the less she'd freak out on me. Which was true for the most part. But at the end of pregnancy, I had weekly ultrasounds to keep track of Lily's development and weight. The u/s tech kept telling me that my baby was going to be at least 9 lbs at birth. Lily weighed in at a whopping 7 lbs 9 oz. Not even close! The second pregnancy, my doctor was nearing the end of her residency. I'm honestly not sure where her concerns and comments at the end of my second pregnancy came from, but at one point, I was having problems with my fasting glucoses in the morning (they were running around 140-150). She told me she was afraid I was going to have a stillborn baby if I didn't get them back under control. And then the weekly ultrasounds started and she started talking about scheduling a c-section because she was afraid the baby would be too big. Two weeks before I had Leo, the u/s tech gave his weight as 8 lbs 4 oz. I chose to have an amniocentesis done at 38 weeks to check on Leo's lung maturity so that they could induce me early and avoid the c-section. Leo weighed 8 lbs 6 oz at birth. I've learned not to trust the doctors when it comes to weight estimates for the babies of diabetic moms. They freak out and over-estimate, just to be on the safe side. My labor was induced for both pregnancies, as it was for all of my two diabetic sisters' pregnancies. That's just the way it is when you're diabetic. I do not believe diabetes or the risk of a child developing diabetes should ever prevent anyone from having a child though. Children are precious in every way.
Now we come to the part I'm not really eager to talk about. Keep in mind as you're reading this that my story is not your child's story and what has been true for me and for many diabetics may not be true for your child. It's a medically proven fact that diabetics have a higher incidence of chronic depression. I have my own theories on this. I mean, considering the daily life that a diabetic person leads, is it any wonder that they have a higher risk of depression? I've dealt with chronic depression since I was a teenager. Before having children, I tried a few anti-depressants and I never stayed on them. For whatever reasons, the medication would work for a while and then not work any longer. So I'd stop. And I stopped completely when we decided to start a family. After Lily, I suffered horribly from postpartum depression, but never sought treatment for it. I used breastfeeding as an excuse to not medicate. By the time I was done with my pregnancy with Leo (he's exactly 20 months younger than Lily), I knew I couldn't get through without medication. After a lot of tweaking, I've finally found a medication that works. During the tweaking, I had to go off a medication that was causing an allergic reaction. It was during that cold-turkey time that the doctors came up with a new diagnosis for me. I'd lay in bed at night, unable to sleep, worrying that an ax-murderer was going to come in and hurt my entire family. It was awful! And it makes me sound like I'm a complete nut-case, although I think this may be more common than we realize. The doctors actually came up with a name for it. Phobia-inducing anxiety. After all that, I've come to the conclusion that I will never allow myself to stop medication again. It's just too hard to deal with that and with my own diabetes and my child's diabetes.
Like I said, this may not be the case for your child. Keep in mind that my story isn't just shaped by diabetes. It's also due heavily to growing up feeling completely alone and isolated within my own family. It's from being a child of an alcoholic and abusive environment. Being diabetic has only been a part of the puzzle. The lack of a support system is a bigger part. And chances are, if you're reading my blog in the hopes of understanding how a diabetic grows up and thinks and develops, then you're providing your child with an excellent support system. Your children will grow up, knowing that they are loved and cherished and that their mom or dad sacrificed sleep, health, and so many other things in order to take the best care of them. You have no idea how much of a difference that will make in your child's life and their care of their own condition. I'm sure they'll have their moments of rebellion, of anger and frustration, but when it comes down to it, the most powerful tool you have for convincing them to care for themselves is your love and the self-worth your love will give them.
And that's about where the journey ends. I have all the reason in the world to take care of myself now. I try really hard. I never thought I'd pass diabetes on to one of my children. My seven nieces and nephews from my two diabetic sisters are all normal. I have 18 nieces and nephews in all and not a one has shown any signs of diabetes. Until my daughter. Lily's diagnosis broke my heart in a way that nothing else could. But it's not the end of the world. I do worry that she'll be reluctant to have children of her own for fear of passing diabetes on to a new generation, but I really hope to be there to convince her that it's worth the risk. And my greatest fear....is that I won't be here long enough to watch my children grow, that I'll leave them too soon. That is the best motivator of all!
I'll post sometime in the next couple of days about the mail exchange. And it'll definitely be for d- and non-d-kids!
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
What did I just do?
I'm procrastinating on the wrap-up to the journey I took you all on through my life with diabetes. I still need to talk about how the diabetic life is as an adult and all that. But some of it's going to be difficult to share. I'm not someone who opens up easily. It helps that none of you know me IRL (in real life), but still....I'm waiting another day.
Instead of blogging, I've been spending my day with these two cuties:
We're trying to get every last drop of sunshine we can out of summer before it turns cold. I'm worried that it's going to be a long, brutal winter. I've been having massively insane urges to crochet winter hats for my entire family. I actually just finished a ribbed hat for my husband and am starting on a hat for Lily. I'm trying to decide what I want to do for Leo's yet and after I've done all of those, I have a few skeins of Sublime Cashmerino Silk in lavender that I will make a really nice hat for myself. But...in the midst of doing all that, I'm working hard on this:
When I was pregnant with Lily, my mom made her a lovely little rag quilt. If you're not familiar with them, they're lovely little quilts made from squares of flannel, sewn together with the edges left out and cut into small strips. Every time you wash the quilt, the edges fray a little bit more and give the blanket more and more character. Unfortunately, Lily has far outgrown the baby prints my mom used in the quilt. She's taken to dragging the purple top-sheet from her jersey sheet set around the house, calling it her "blankally". So, I'm making her a new rag quilt. I'm aiming for it to be a Christmas present. Think I can finish it on time?
Oh, and one more thing before I head to bed (after testing Lily, of course!). I had an idea that I'm still in the "seriously considering" stages of and I'm putting a "feeler" out there to see if there would be interest in it. Last year around this time, Lily and I participated in a "mail exchange". Basically, it involves purchasing some small item (socks, stickers, book, whatever) and having your child mail it off to another child. We included a picture in our exchange and the little boy we sent it off to now has Lily's picture on his fridge and tells his mom that he and Lily are going to get married. It's adorable! So, the idea....how would all of you feel about doing a mail exchange? Doesn't have to be diabetes related, but it might be fun to exchange pictures and send off some cute stickers or whatever. It would involve sending your address to another d-parent. Not sure how people feel about that idea, but thought I'd bring it up anyway.
One more thing for all of you.....how do you give diabetes a great big middle finger?
Yup. My husband gave it to her and didn't think she could eat the whole thing. I'm guessing she thought it was worth the slightly high blood sugars for a bit!
Instead of blogging, I've been spending my day with these two cuties:
When I was pregnant with Lily, my mom made her a lovely little rag quilt. If you're not familiar with them, they're lovely little quilts made from squares of flannel, sewn together with the edges left out and cut into small strips. Every time you wash the quilt, the edges fray a little bit more and give the blanket more and more character. Unfortunately, Lily has far outgrown the baby prints my mom used in the quilt. She's taken to dragging the purple top-sheet from her jersey sheet set around the house, calling it her "blankally". So, I'm making her a new rag quilt. I'm aiming for it to be a Christmas present. Think I can finish it on time?
Oh, and one more thing before I head to bed (after testing Lily, of course!). I had an idea that I'm still in the "seriously considering" stages of and I'm putting a "feeler" out there to see if there would be interest in it. Last year around this time, Lily and I participated in a "mail exchange". Basically, it involves purchasing some small item (socks, stickers, book, whatever) and having your child mail it off to another child. We included a picture in our exchange and the little boy we sent it off to now has Lily's picture on his fridge and tells his mom that he and Lily are going to get married. It's adorable! So, the idea....how would all of you feel about doing a mail exchange? Doesn't have to be diabetes related, but it might be fun to exchange pictures and send off some cute stickers or whatever. It would involve sending your address to another d-parent. Not sure how people feel about that idea, but thought I'd bring it up anyway.
One more thing for all of you.....how do you give diabetes a great big middle finger?
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Shameless!
I hate fundraising. Really, I do. I detest it. I don't like asking people to donate money. That said, for Lily, I will. And I do. So, I'm posting this here. Don't feel obligated, but if you feel called to, I won't complain!
Our Step-Out page:
http://main.diabetes.org/site/TR/StepOut/MinnesotaArea?px=6053467&pg=personal&fr_id=7278
Our Step-Out page:
http://main.diabetes.org/site/TR/StepOut/MinnesotaArea?px=6053467&pg=personal&fr_id=7278
My greatest joy and deepest pleasure
I thought about calling this my "guilty" pleasure, but really, there's no guilt involved. So it can't be a guilty pleasure, right? Obviously, this isn't diabetes-related. Diabetes itself involves no pleasure at all, although we can find joy in many things in spite of diabetes. Here's the thing that gives me the greatest pleasure in life....cuddling with my children! I've co-slept with both my children. I don't know how many parents really do co-sleep, but every time I read an article about co-sleeping, it's the same thing all over again...."co-sleeping is bad and shouldn't be done." Black and white. Every time, I want to tell the author and the publication to go stuff it! I never intended to co-sleep with my children and never would have thought I'd be a parent who would allow that. But honestly, co-sleeping has been one of my absolute favorite parts of being a parent! And I, personally, wouldn't have it any other way!
I needed a break from posting about my life as a diabetic. I still have a bit more I want to share about it, but I needed a break. And then I saw an article about co-sleeping and felt like I should talk about this on here. You see, all these articles make me so mad sometimes. I don't think that everyone should co-sleep. It's not for everyone. But these articles that make co-sleeping sound like it's so bad, that tell you that it increases the risk of SIDS...I hate them! First of all, SUFFOCATION is not SIDS! SIDS is sudden and unexplainable. If a child suffocates while sleeping with a parent or in an adult bed...that death is explainable. It is not SIDS. In fact, a little known piece of information is that co-sleeping may actually decrease the risk of SIDS. Secondly, if a parent is going to co-sleep, they should know how to do it safely. When both Lily and Leo were little, I gave up using blankets. No big pillows, no fluffy blankets. I don't drink alcohol, I don't smoke, and I don't take any kind of medication to make me sleep harder. I'm a pretty light sleeper and I'm pretty in-tune with what's going on with my baby all night long. I make sure the environment my child is sleeping in is safe, even if it's in my arms!
My favorite comment to get from people about co-sleeping....is the argument that I'm ruining my children, that babies need to learn to put themselves to sleep. Oh, how I love this comment! Seriously, have you ever seen an 18-year-old man who couldn't fall asleep without his mommy? Show me one, and I just might start buying into this argument! I love being there when my babies fall asleep, holding them as they drift off. Lily refuses to let me do that anymore! She's been kicking me out of her bedroom since she was 18-months old. I hate that! But she falls asleep on her own, no crying, no fussing, no anxiety or fear. I'm guessing all people learn to put themselves to sleep at some point or another, no matter what their parents choose to do. I've never had to let my children cry themselves to sleep. To me, that means a lot. Besides, what better way to spend an evening than curled up in bed with Leo's head on my shoulder and my hands across his back as he cuddles in and falls asleep?
Don't get me wrong. I don't think co-sleeping is the only way. I don't even think it's what other people should do. It doesn't work for everyone. It's not the right choice for some people. Some people swear by the cry-it-out method. We all choose what we think it's best for our families. I just wish co-sleeping was as accepted and supported as some of the other options.
Okay, off to test Lily one last time and get in one last cuddle with her. The cuddle gives me something wonderful to look forward to when I don't really feel like staying awake to test her!
I needed a break from posting about my life as a diabetic. I still have a bit more I want to share about it, but I needed a break. And then I saw an article about co-sleeping and felt like I should talk about this on here. You see, all these articles make me so mad sometimes. I don't think that everyone should co-sleep. It's not for everyone. But these articles that make co-sleeping sound like it's so bad, that tell you that it increases the risk of SIDS...I hate them! First of all, SUFFOCATION is not SIDS! SIDS is sudden and unexplainable. If a child suffocates while sleeping with a parent or in an adult bed...that death is explainable. It is not SIDS. In fact, a little known piece of information is that co-sleeping may actually decrease the risk of SIDS. Secondly, if a parent is going to co-sleep, they should know how to do it safely. When both Lily and Leo were little, I gave up using blankets. No big pillows, no fluffy blankets. I don't drink alcohol, I don't smoke, and I don't take any kind of medication to make me sleep harder. I'm a pretty light sleeper and I'm pretty in-tune with what's going on with my baby all night long. I make sure the environment my child is sleeping in is safe, even if it's in my arms!
My favorite comment to get from people about co-sleeping....is the argument that I'm ruining my children, that babies need to learn to put themselves to sleep. Oh, how I love this comment! Seriously, have you ever seen an 18-year-old man who couldn't fall asleep without his mommy? Show me one, and I just might start buying into this argument! I love being there when my babies fall asleep, holding them as they drift off. Lily refuses to let me do that anymore! She's been kicking me out of her bedroom since she was 18-months old. I hate that! But she falls asleep on her own, no crying, no fussing, no anxiety or fear. I'm guessing all people learn to put themselves to sleep at some point or another, no matter what their parents choose to do. I've never had to let my children cry themselves to sleep. To me, that means a lot. Besides, what better way to spend an evening than curled up in bed with Leo's head on my shoulder and my hands across his back as he cuddles in and falls asleep?
Don't get me wrong. I don't think co-sleeping is the only way. I don't even think it's what other people should do. It doesn't work for everyone. It's not the right choice for some people. Some people swear by the cry-it-out method. We all choose what we think it's best for our families. I just wish co-sleeping was as accepted and supported as some of the other options.
Okay, off to test Lily one last time and get in one last cuddle with her. The cuddle gives me something wonderful to look forward to when I don't really feel like staying awake to test her!
Friday, September 3, 2010
Just an FYI....
I HATE nighttime lows! I absolutely detest it when I go into Lily's bedroom to test her on the way to my own bed. And she's low. I hate it! I hate having to wake her from her slumber to coax her into drinking a cup of orange juice. And then having to wait another 15-20 minutes to check her again before I can go to bed. Life as a d-mom really does suck sometimes. But she's worth it. So I do it anyway. That's just life, right?
Thursday, September 2, 2010
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